Life Story, Relationship

Butterab, fly!

Dear readers,

There is a saying said ,“the person who can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry”
Have you ever heard it? Have you ever been in one?
It’s funny and silly, yet it’s exactly true, isn’t it?

Last week, I asked a friend of mine, if it is okay if I turn to be a heartless person. She was really surprised with my weird question and she asked ‘why so’. The only answer I could gave to her was,”because life becomes easier and happier when heart doesn’t come along with it.”
Anyhow, she kind of agreed with me – “feelings made me vulnerable, and it fooled me once, so yeah, I guess it is okay to be a heartless until we are smart enough to let our brain and heart work together,” she answered.

Earlier in one of my posts, I stated that I am a 80% thinking-20% feeling person. There were several things that made me questioning my own statement. This year, I have been trying to spare my heart a part in my decision-taking, but unfortunately, everything always went wrong whenever the heart was in it. Things were better whenever I chose to follow my logic and ignored my heart.

This year, I have learned to let some people earned my trust, let them in to my circle, cared for them sincerely- however, it ended with they misused everything I gave. Yet my heart told me to give it another chance – a second chance, third, fourth, it didn’t get any better, and last night was the last chance I gave to my heart.

I tried my best to balance my heart and mind, but it’s failed anyway. Either I become vulnerable or mean. Perhaps some of you will say that it shouldn’t go this way, but I just can’t. It’s about a self-defense. I hate to feel miserable when people I trusted did me wrong, when I felt betrayed. I’m having that feeling enough and I have to quickly come to my sense that I have all the authority to change my situation.

A person reminds me about me as a butterfly and a crab (I’m a Cancerian), a butterab. A butterab is strong enough and well-protected with the hard shell and sharp clams – she jumps and flies from one flower to another flower, make those flowers look more attractive and help them to reproduce, but never stay longer in one.

Perhaps that is the purpose why my parents named me with ‘Vanessa’, which means Butterfly.
Perhaps that is the reason why I was born as a Cancerian, protect myself with hard shell and sharp clams.
Perhaps that is the lesson that I got to learn to be more gracious, as my last name implied, ‘Gracia’.
Perhaps that is the life that ‘Vanessa Gracia’ has to live as a Butterab.

Thanks to you who touched me deeply with such a short bittersweet period.
Thanks to you for stop me from crying but also for making me cry.
Thanks to you for making me a heartless person in the future, again

Regret? No, no regrets.
It’s 16 hours to 2011.
For everything that has happened in 2010, this is one of my resolutions in 2011.


“Butterab, fly!”



Love moves in mysterious ways

Still it’s a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

When did it start? What did I do? Where was I? How could it be?
“I DON’T KNOW… honestly, I don’t know…” you whispered to yourself.

There are times when you’re questioning yourself with the questions above. No matter how much meditation time you spent to cool your brain, you just still can’t find the answer. And when you think you can rely on your head, there is a subliminal message saying,”I’m sorry… the system is not found. We’ll report this shameful trouble to the universe.” The next thing you know is, you’re sinking into a deep undefined mood and you’re blaming yourself for being inconsistent.

Personally, I’d rather dealing with partial differential equation for days, than having that unexplainable situation. For thinking-people like me, I know that you feel like you’re having a dysfunctional brain system. Don’t worry, your brain is working perfectly. It’s just sometimes, there are things that need to be taken care of, with a little more tender handling because you’re a human; and in that case, change your system to : heart mode.

Anyway, trust me, there is always a solution for everything (if you can’t find the solution, change the problem ๐Ÿ˜› i’m kidding). I’m so willing to let you know that I’ve been there, and I’m still with both of my heart and head ๐Ÿ˜€

Once upon a time… (cheesy o.O)

Under many considerable circumstances, I kept my heart sealed in a safest place, to make my life goes less complicated until I’m ready to re-open it. Unexpectedly, in the name of love, my plan didn’t work out. I forgot when did it start, but later on, I knew that I fell into a complex situation called, falling-in-love.
In fact, the more I denied it, the more complicated my life went at that time.

I know that I have failed to get a grip on myself
But when he said that he loves me,
you don’t have any idea, how that simple words touch me deeply
you don’t understand, how much it means for me
At that moment, I could felt the butterflies in me!

Love moves in mysterious ways. I also can’t imagine that I’m at the point where I could love a person this much. As much as I tried to get rid of this, I just can’t stop my heart to feel for him. I can’t explain how it comes to me, how he could meant so much for me.

Some people say that love is blind. But, no, I’m not losing my ‘head’. I’m fully conscious and perfectly know what I’m feeling now. Obviously, I don’t know if he feels what I feel, I don’t know if he tells me the truth, I don’t know if I can offer you a happily-ever-after love story. He might hurts me or I have to feel the pain again or it’s just not meant to be, despite it all, I really thank him to help me FINALLY feel a thing called ‘love’ again. All I want to do now is just to feel this feeling, love him and let it flow.

Nothing is secure, in this life.
We could only put ourselves in a less risky situation.
The truth is anyone can hurt you, anyone can take you for granted.
If you’ve given your best, but they do you wrong for some reasons,
it’s their loss, not yours.
Let go, be strong, and love again.
For every love you give, every pain you feel, every problem you face,
there will always be a precious life lesson to learned.

Be brave enough to trust your heart, but also be smart enough to involve your brain.

After all,
it’s just a bittersweet life… take it or leave it ? ๐Ÿ™‚

May you have enough courage, to love a person with your sincere heart.
May you have enough wisdom, to take a decision wisely with your head.


Life Story

Anti-social state, the power of DIY coffee (part 2)

Dear readers,

Updated news :
3 subjects down
(chemical engineering reaction, kinetics and catalysis, chemical process design)

My geeky study group’s madness “The Power of DIY Coffee” :

Ernest : I need to get something, I’ll be right back.
(idle. Everyone’s staring hopelessly to our paper)
Ness : don’t you need my key to open the door? or are you doing molecular diffusion now?
(after 17 minutes, Ernest came back with 2 bottles of mineral water, 600 mL and 1.5 liters. Plus 6 sachets of instant coffee.)

As he started to bartender, our focus constantly lured to him…
Evy : are you really want to put this coffee into the mineral water? Don’t you need hot water?
Ernest : nope. I always did this when I slept over in the lab (with i’m-not-kidding gaze)
Ness : are you sure it’s homogeneous ?
Rere : umm… is it colloid or suspension?
Evy : arrggghhh!! enough…!
Ernest :um, suspension, I guess…
Rere : do you have any idea how to separate the liquid and the solid? 3 stages perhaps?
(he looked up to the ceiling, which means, his mind was already in another world)

Ness : oh geez…. guysss……focus focus!
Evy : but, are you sure 4 sachets are enough to make it sweet?
Ernest : yep! It’s 600mL water and 1 sachet contained of 150mL coffee powder, so…
Ness : hold on! you can’t just assume it like that. They have different densities!
(Rere grabbed the coffee sachet, Ernest drown in a deep thinking)
Rere : exactly! here (showing Ernest the composition table of the coffee), this density was measured in 80 deg celcius.
Evy : oh my god, focus here, focus focus…
Rere : (murmured) how do we get the pure solid after the separation?
Ness : tssss!! come on, kinetics and catalysis time now
Ernest :(whispered to Rere) drying process!
(Evy and me stared at them with devilish eyes. They finally put their attention back to the papers. Idle)

1 minute…
Evy : ey ey, may I try the coffee? (nudge Ernest with innocent face)
Ness : (grinning) the drying will be operated in a high or l…??
Ernest : (without any doubt) high temp!! hahaha
Ness : hahaha, definitely! which means we counted the Nt and the 1st zone of preheating can’t be ignored!
(Four of us looked at each other and…….. :D)

Freaks, huh? Those happened naturally, lol, and often ๐Ÿ˜€ Every little thing can easily intrigued our minds and awaken our ChE’s instincts. Don’t get us wrong, we are normal, hehe..just going a bit nuts. Comprehensive prep really got our nerves. Catching up 26 subjects of 4 years study in 30 days, in the middle of our hectic days, somehow drives us mad. We are honestly scared, exhausted, burnt out. We have to shift our brains from one thing to another– analyze, calculate, memorize…breathe.

Hmmphh, at the moment, I remember this: a chemical engineer should be able to simplify problems, to distill the essence of situation, and to drop the unessentials (quoting Mr. Asaf Kleopas Sugih and Ludwig Prandtl).

I’m scared… really really truly scared… I’m going to give my very best and lets hope for the best.

(I found this poem in one of my study materials… it’s worth reading)

Take time to think; it is the source of power
Take time to read; it is the foundation of wisdom
Take time to play; it is the secret of staying young
Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to seek God
Take time to be aware; it is the opportunity to seek God
Take time to love and to beloved; it is God’s greatest gift
Take time to laugh; it is the music of the soul
Take time to be friendly; it is the road of happiness
Take time to dream; it is what the future is made of
Take time to pray it is the greatest power on earth


p.s: to all ChE’06 comrades — jia you!! fight fight! ๐Ÿ™‚

Music, Relationship

An insomniacs’ babble

Hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause it’s you and me together
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go

Kala kata-kata bercerita tentang cinta,
sungguh aku tidak sanggup berdusta.
Walau dia jauh dari mata,
hanya dia yang aku pinta…

Maybe all the plans we made would not work out,
But I have no doubt even though it’s hard to see,
I’ve got faith in us and I believe in you and me

I was awaken and couldn’t get back to sleep. I decided to hook up with some words and pour my heart out here. Looking back at my previous posts, some of you might be wondering, why I have been in a sentimental mood lately. Well, besides of my trรจs satisfaisant undergraduate thesis defense, I’m just really happy to spend more time with him.

After so many self-denial and delusional nights, the feeling that I’ve been keeping inside is getting stronger. All of the painful attempts to get over it, led to the ugly truth that he’s still the one for me. I don’t know what will happen with us in the future, but I don’t want to deny it anymore. I know clearly that it’s difficult for us with all the circumstances, but those are just not enough to let him go. Perhaps this time, all we have to do is just seize every moment and keep our hopes for the best.

This song by Michael Buble is my favorite one recently :

Please hold on,
I still believe in you and me




Untuk dia disana :

Aku dan kau pun sama-sama merasakan

Tak bisa kujanjikan kalau aku tidak akan berubah
Namun aku mau mencoba
Tak bisa kupastikan kalau aku tidak akan jatuh
Namun aku mau mencoba

Tak kuingkari kalau rindu yang kaurasakan menyiksamu
Namun kau tetap bertahan
Tak kuabaikan kalau penantian yang kaulakukan melelahkanmu
Namun kau tetap bertahan

Antara timur dan barat
Aku membenci matahari, kau membenci salju
Tetapi, aku dan kau sama-sama menunggu
Antara pagi dan malam
Aku memandang bulan, kau memandang fajar
Tetapi, aku dan kau sama-sama menanti

Sampai hari itu datang
Hanya ada rasa diantara aku dan kau
Hanya ada harapan diantara aku dan kau
Sampai hari itu datang

Perbedaan itu membuat kita bersama
Perbedaan itu membuat kita sama

Aku dan kau pun sama-sama merasakan

Vness (Nov 16 2010, The Maxi’s, Bdg)


Antara aku, dia, dan cinta

(Blue Curacaou)
Malam itu relung hatiku terpekur layu
Entah gundah apa yang membuatku terbisu
Secercah harapku akan hadirnya dewi bulan di tengah langit malam,
nyatanya hanya ada lautan hitam dalam kelam

…dan aku…

(Death by Chocolate)
Bibirku kembali meracau dengan dua sahabat jiwa
Setiap tuturku terucap, sekelebat sesak semakin terasa
Gelak tawaku terdengar parau dalam ruang kosong raga
Dalam sudut tersepi, aku terdesak untuk berkhayal tentang asa

…dan dia…

(Bintang pertama)
Dalam lamun, sosok itu kembali menembus dimensiku
“Suka”, ujarnya… “Luka” balasku…
Imaji hangat tentang romansa kala itu terasa kian membeku
Jarak yang membuat rindu, tetapi rindu yang menghasutku

…dan cinta…

(Bintang kedua)
Tak kusangka kini aku ingin berhenti berlari
“Tunggu aku,” dia memohon… “Rengkuh aku,” aku melirih…
Entah rasa apa yang merasukiku untuk tetap berdiri
Walau resah dan ragu menghantui, hatiku tak mampu menipu diri

…aku cinta dia…

Vness (Nov 13 2010, c9, Bandung)