Life Story

All is good

It’s been months of struggles, from marriage drama to growing my business. Everyday feels like another problem and obstacle to solve, but I can’t even figure it out. Every day tempted me to give up and to just quit all plans and dreams. I cannot see any way out. Then there is this one song, sang at my pre-marriage course and it made me cried my heart out. How I have been struggling alone, leaving my God out, using my own strength. I feel ashamed of myself. I used to have a strong faith that God will help me through anything. This song reminds me that God is still there, He has planned all the goods I cannot see.

The song is in Bahasa Indonesia

Smua Baik

Dari semula, tlah Kau tetapkan
hidupku dalam tanganMu
dalam rencanaMu, Tuhan
Rencana indah, tlah Kau siapkan
bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan

Smua baik, smua baik
apa yang tlah Kau perbuat didalam hidupku
Smua baik, sungguh teramat baik
Kau jadikan hidupku berarti

Maybe I cannot see what is standing in front of me. I am afraid to overcome my future. One thing I am sure, God has planned a beautiful future for me.


Life Story



Honestly, I don’t know what depression feels like. I have never related the dark hole I am in to any symptom of depression, but what I feel is eating me inside. For me, it feels like I am nothing, I feel nothing and I am going nowhere. Nothing has significant meaning for me. What I know is getting through it all, every day. Each day passes by, I tried to focus to my goals, to be brave. Fortunately, every time someone asked if I’m Okay, the answer is always the same “I am great”. 

There was one point when I thought I tried to hard to be tough facing every rocks thrown at me, until I become totally numb towards everything. And now, I can’t even define what I feel. Except feeling a huge hole and something feels ‘off’ inside of me.

If any of you feel like some of the points written below are true, I guess we are on the same page :

  • You feel like in a fog
  • You are easily get irritated by your closed ones
  • You feel like your life has no direction
  • You feel there’s something ‘wrong’
  • You feel exhausted, no matter how much rest you take
  • You often cry for no apparent reason
  • You have difficulty falling asleep or awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then you can’t get back to sleep
  • You can’t think straight. Your brain doesn’t seem to work
  • You don’t want to make decisions – it’s too much work
  • You have a hard time remembering things.
  • You feel like everything seems hopeless
  • You don’t get excited over new things anymore
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot
  • Your neck hurts and feel like your body stiffened every day
  • You’re frustrated with everything and everybody
  • You easily feel mad, like you could just explode!
  • You feel like you’re “different” from everyone else
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right
  • Everything you see seems to be black and white movie

Well, I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t know if I need to go to a shrink. I’m still trying to convince myself that I am not insane.

This feels like living in a dream, but I can’t judge if this is a nightmare or a real one.

– Ness –


Life Story

The men in demand

ImageHave the time to soothe insecurities and fears, I cannot have a man who is standing on a stone by a creek, watching for the fist to swim by and eery time he sees a fish he says, “Oh look, this fish scares me, I wonder what this fish means, this fish might mean- this, or this fish might mean-that”.

 For God’s sake, they are just fish, and they don’t mean anything! Such a sad thing, so many times, strong men standing on top of little stones, pointing at fish all the time! Such a waste! Such a waste of time! I can only have a man who will leap into the water, not minding the damn fish and whatever other little things that scare him.

I need to have someone who is braver than me; If I am a pirate, he has to be the pirate captain, if I am a pirate captain, he has to be the flying dragon” – anonymous





If only he would commit…

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” ―Peter F. Drucker

I feel like someone slaps me in the face when I read about this. Ever since more friends and families are asking about when I will be married, I have been thinking about relationship and commitment A LOT. I can assure you it’s not because I feel intimidated with the question, but you know, this thing is kind of intriguing.  Deep down, I know I am yearning for a committed relationship and looking forward to the bright future, but I feel like I’m losing my faith here. It just happened over and over again. I find myself attracting the wrong type of guy over and my relationship compass is might be off and in need of a calibration.

He may still love you. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. BUT what matters is WHAT HE’S DOING ABOUT IT.

Another slap on my face.

How many times you’ve found yourself yet again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit? Oh yes, I can tell. We keep repeating this pattern over and over again. It’s sucks facing a dilemma with no clear answers; and waiting around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship. We so want to believe that he will be different from the rest, but unfortunately he will not be in the near future.

I can understand how frustrating to be in the state whether to cut him loose or to keep this relationship. Often times, we do what we always do. We holding onto hope and trying to see as many positive signs as we can. The thought of losing him keeps us staying. The thought of him committing to someone else if we decide we’ve had enough, keeps us putting our own needs on hold. We’re afraid this might be our one and only shot at the real thing. I can understand the frustration, trust me, been there.

During the frustration state, it’s difficult to imagine the idea of letting him go. I’d love the idea to just easily let go and move on, but you know it just doesn’t go that way. Then I start to think, if I might be too pushy, too demanding, too impatient, too insecure, too anxious, too needy. I can’t imagine that I’m me who is caring, loving, understanding – will do such cruel thing to hurt someone I love. But then again, I come to my common sense that this isn’t about me since the very first; it’s his issue, not mine. Why am I beating myself like this?

It takes some times for me to come to an understanding that I’d like to share with you:

1. It takes two to tango. Means when it comes to a commitment, both parties have to be on the same page and willing to do the work TOGETHER.

2. This commitment issue has nothing to do with age. I have been told about men in their twenties are mostly afraid of having a committed relationship. But hey, I have MANY guy friends who are married in their early (or) mid twenties, it turned out they love marriage life and they become awesome husbands and dads. So no, there is no particular age about commitment issue.

3. You CANNOT change a guy who won’t commit, not just by loving him more or caring him more. His inability to commit to you really doesn’t have anything to do with you

4.  If he’s going to come around, it will be when he’s ready, not on your timetable.

So, having read those 4 points above, please do yourself (and him) a favor: let him deal with his issue, walk away and commit to loving and respecting and caring for yourself more than he ever could. Make yourself available for the kind of relationship that you truly want, truly deserve, with a man who is ready and wants a committed relationship in the same way you do.

Going against your nature would be uncomfortable and painful. However, analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it, isn’t going to make a difference too. The two of you would be perfect for each other – if a committed relationship is what he was looking for.  But he’s not.  And we are. He’s not a bad guy – he just doesn’t have a heart to tell you that he’s not ready. Practically, it’s just not a match. We deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with us, who wants the same things we want and who has a picture of us in his future.

What if he comes around and it might be too late?

The only assurance you have is that you will be the first to know if he decides he’s ready to commit to you. He knows how to get in touch with you. That’s how it works.  It’s just not now.  Not with him.  And you know it.

If it’s fated, you will find each other once again.

Live your life, beautiful.



Bittersweet Goodbye

Heartaches are always painful. Missing the person that is now taken away or someone leaving is always tearing your heart into pieces. But as time goes by, you know that this will pass and it won’t hurt anymore.. you will know how to handle it better.

I’ve stumbled and picked myself up, over and over again with no safety net. Crazy, yet I still do that. Why? Because you cant explain why you love someone, you can’t…. you just do. 

However, I think we all know well that people change, we change, and feelings will eventually change. An inevitable goodbye sometimes must be spoken to someone whom you dearly loved. There will be a part of you that feels ripped out and stomped on. You can’t breathe, you can’t eat, you can’t function. It’s the most intense pain that you’ll ever feel, and there’s no way to relieve it. A merciless torture. But what can we do except letting them go and start to walk away. There is nothing wrong with you or them. It’s not your fault, nor theirs. It just means that their part in your story is over.

I’m sure I don’t know what you’re going through. How hard it is to let someone go. How painful it must be to know that as right as you two are for each other, it doesn’t mean you’re right for each other right now. I wouldn’t know about how it makes you want to scream, angry…or cry.

Love is not your problem. For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.

Do not blame the relationship, because no relationship is ever a waste of time.  If it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what you DON’T want. If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, don’t mourn for too long.  Be thankful that your paths crossed and that they somehow made you happy, even if it was just for a short while.  Learn to accept that not everyone is who you once knew. It just takes a little time to figure it all out.

I used to think that I would never be able to mend my broken heart and would be able to fall in love again. I used to come to a thought that love is what makes me miserable, weak and worthless. I used to hate love. For certain times, I hurt those who loved me, those who were willing to love me sincerely. I’ve been walked on, used and forgotten. I don’t want anybody to take advantage of me, ever again. I was scared.

At some point, I’ve come to an answer : forgiveness.

When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK and it doesn’t mean you accept what have that person done in your life.  It simply means you’ve made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life

I’ve learned that we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we have learned a lot from our bad choices… who we can trust and who we can’t. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.

I’ve made the right choice not to hold into a person who changed me into a person I am not. Everybody deserves somebody who helps them look forward to tomorrow. The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need.

Remember to be real to yourself  because it’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity. You’re still young enough to fall in and out of love a few more times before you get it right. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.

Eventually, the end of love is not the end of life.  You will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain. It should be the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

What matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story. So please, continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories 🙂


Lots of Love,





When does love become so twisted?

Oh right.

It will never be UN-twisted.

It’s been so absurd and blurry and … I can’t even describe it anymore.

“Is he the right one?”

Really, I can’t answer it with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ when I don’t even know the definition of the-right-one.

What if there’s not only ONE??
What if there are TWO??
Would it be possible to change the question to be,”Are they the right ones?”
Would it be wrong?

Maybe the way we feel isn’t supposed to be logical, to be rational.

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and saw them crying in their bed at night or singing in the shower or humming quietly to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street. And even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.

Maybe there’s something I’m afraid to say, or someone I’m afraid to love, or somebody I’m afraid to let go.

It’s gonna hurt. I know.
It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

But, maybe it’s okay to be unsure and scared.

Yes, one day I would be certain enough to answer.

But for now, I think I gotta just take things for what they are, not try to label it or explain it.

In another life, I would make you stay,
So I don’t have to say you were the one that got away,
The one that got away



Jump and Fall… in Love!

Dear readers,

Today is the Chinese New Year or the Lunar New Year. As a Chinese descendant, I celebrate it 🙂 So, first, I want to say : 恭喜发财,万事如意! to all of you who celebrate CNY. Lets hope the Rabbit’s year is better than last year 😀

As I promised you 2 days ago, that I will regularly write posts about love this month, today we are going to talk about ‘how to tell if you fall in love?’ So, let rolls!

As love enters your life, you may find some troubles to define what do you really feel at the moment. Being touched by love, is an amazing thing to feel in life. Unfortunately, it can be hard to know, whether what you feel, is love or like.

The symptoms of falling in love can be obviously seen in a person. As you fall in love, your excitement increases every time you meet this person. You may have trouble to execute your daily tasks accurately, as your consciousness is shifting away every now and then. When you fall in love, the object of your affection is constantly in your mind. You feel a need to talk about this person, as much as possible. Everything that goes on around you seem to relate with the person you are falling for.

There is a HUGE difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’. ‘Like’ is much or less the same with the terminology of love, except that ‘like’ requires less of consistency and intensity. When you like a person, it doesn’t always mean you love that person. But when you love a person, automatically you must be like that person. We can normally live without something we like, but it is difficult to live without our love.

Love is something we don’t know the scientific process of. It is strongly related to an emotion that is often being misunderstood. Love cannot be quantified and we just simply accept as being there. Love is something that we tend to give carefully because of the potential for pain, while like is more related to a loan and you don’t concern yourself with much if you may not have it back.

In a nut shell, how to know if you fall in love :

1. the person is always on your mind and you try to justify the reason why he/she is in your mind.
2. you genuinely care about that person, his/her happiness, more than your own.
(with or without physical contact)
3. you start to play out that person in your fantasy about being with him/her, forever and after.
4. you want to share every hours, thoughts, moments, with him/her, simply because you don’t want to miss
a thing.
5. you feel comfortable, relaxed and secure whenever you are with him/her.

I could jot down the longer list, but I think, you can feel it inside if you fall in love with a person. Philosophers and scientist have been conducting their theories about love. Yet, with all the time and energy, we still don’t know what love is, except that it is something that we feel and want to feel again since the first time we encounter it. In the real world, each emotion can triggers what lies within us; love can grow from like just as like can be produce from love. For me, it is just how you see night and day; what people call by night, some others call it by day.

Little tips from me before you fall in love :
1. Love yourself first. It is impossible to love another human being, if you don’t know how to love yourself.
2. write down the list of qualities you want in a partner. think about your past relationship,
what you disliked or liked.
3. examine yourself whether you just want to have a real relationship or just fooling around.
4. do not pursue, but also do something (cupid is not that smart in love archery).
5. prepare your heart of the risk of getting hurt. Work together with your logic and heart.

Love chooses you.
All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others, give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love is in the air,


l’amour, 爱, 사랑, dragoste, αγάπη = L.O.V.E

Dear readers,

Last month, under many circumstances, I often kept myself off the radar. Please accept my apology for my frequent absence to write. To redeem my guilt, I will write more posts this month. As we all know that February is well-connected with the month of love 😛 and prior to that, we will discuss more about love, love, and love 😉

Let us break it down this huge thing called love, by looking closer to the outer shell of love.

What is love?
Many centuries have passed by, mankind has declared it again and again, yet no one can offer a proper definition of love. To some people, love is affection; to some others, love is feeling or love is like gambling. No matter how you define it, surely you have your own opinion about love 🙂

According to merriam-webster dictionary, love can be explain into some definitions, such as :
1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal love for a child)
2. attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
3. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

There are so many things to consider when we talk about one of the most complex topics, called love. The word love can vary into different kind of feelings or attitudes or attraction. It is also may refer to an intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love, to the familial love, to the religious state of love, or to the platonic (friendship) love. However, the most exhilarating of all, is romantic love.

Romantic love is the feeling that you experience when you develop a deep attachment to someone and you want to form a solid relationship with that person. Love develops between two different people and there are some stages need to be understood to endure love.

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

1. Lust
– driven by the sex hormones for mating – in both men and women
– hormones : testosterone and estrogen

2. Attraction
– the more romantic desire for a specific candidate. This is the stage when love-struck happens and you can’t think of anything else other than the person.
– the most common physical symptoms can be seen when your body reach to the person. Heart rate increases, temperature body rises, butterflies in your tummy, etc. After the circumstance is right and you find more things in common with the person, then an emotional attraction starts to form. An emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. This way, the bond between the two people may even be stronger.
– hormones : adrenaline, dopamine and pheromone, serotonin.

3. Attachment
– the bond that keeps couples together long enough to have and raised children.
– Romance, intimacy and commitment are important in this level. There is an urgency to distinguish between selfish and selfless. Romance is quite an ‘act’ ; related with giving your attention or gifts upon your loved ones. Intimacy is a developing process, which never ends. A true intimacy is when you can tell and share anything to your partner. You can share your thoughts, dreams, goals, etc, and it is an association came from a deepest nature of you. A vow to remain true to your partner in good and bad times. Commitment is easy in good times, but it can be really difficult in bad times.
– Hormones : oxytocin, endorphins and vasopressin.

That’s all of my brief explanation of a nature phenomenon, love. This post may be confusing or helping. But anyway, regardless of how love plays role on you, it is worth the effort. So I hope this post could be a little help out for starters in knowing love, before you deeply in love. But really, how do you know if you are in love? I will explain it in my next post, just wait up! ^^

For the taken ones, simply do this tips to develop your relationship :
listen, compromise, understand and remember how the two of you got together 🙂

For the single ones, you might want to give it a shot, is about how to fall in love :
– find a person that you are interested with or a person that you want to try with (or a stranger can works too)
– reveal and converse about each other’s life, thoughts, hobbies, etc, about 30 mins or so.
– stare into each other’s eyes for about 4 mins, and lets see if there’s a spark in there 🙂

Last but not least, have a little faith! Everyone deserves to love and be loved, and so do you! Bonne chance!

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.

Love is in the air,

Life Story

Man, I feel like a woman!

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”–Eleanor Roosevelt

Related to my previous post and the last interview with a strange company, had me to question my whole-being. Most of the time, in the midst of my solitude, I think by myself, why is it so hard to be just who I am. I know obviously that I am different; not that I’m bragging myself, but more like I feel unlike the normal girls at my age. The way I think-act-perceive, is often uncommon and clearly lead people to misjudge me.

Such sayings like arrogant, bossy, over-ambitious, are ones of people’s opinion about me. I, honestly, never intend to offend or to forge things to anyone. It is just who I am – a girl who is born to compete and strive only for the best.

Yesterday, I felt so miserable, kind of confused with what I am supposed to do. I talked to some people about my miserable feelings and here are some of what they said to me.

Am I supposed to change who I am and be like the rest, in order to civilized with the common people? or should I settle for who I am and take the risk of people not accept me?

R : Why you feel that way? you are an alpha remember. you compete with another alpha. You don’t compete with ordinary human or subhuman. But ya, world is full with hypocrite, luckily, you are a shifter rite? I say, no need to lower your level, what for? it’s going to burdened you and you won’t enjoy it. your place is up there!

E : Ne, you are more suitable in the war zone. A tough place for a tough person.

A : Ci, you are not supposed to be under some shallow people’s authorization, you’ll get frustrated. You are supposed to lead people, not to be lead by.

I don’t mean to declare that I’m the most righteous one or the greatest one. But I also can’t lie that I am who I am now. I am not an average girl. There’s nothing I can do or say to change me. Some people might dislike me, or disagree with my terminology, well, people rarely admit the journey that has gone through a butterfly to achieve its beauty. It will still goes on, and if days suppose to be hard on me, let it be. I may be alone and I may looked weird, but I’m stronger each day, now it’s nothing but my way.

I was once afraid of people saying, “Who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand and say, “This is who I am.”–Oprah Winfrey

You can bend but never break me
‘Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
‘Cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

To the man who interviewed me yesterday :
I may not be on the top like Bung Karno, I may have not created a significant breakthrough in the world yet, but I am always working on my best in everything I do, for myself, and for my environment. A person doesn’t need to be on the top of the world to make a change. No matter where the position is, no matter how little the effect is, as long as there is a better and positive result, it stills called a change. And for your ‘awesome’ statement “only when a person is on the top, can make a great breakthrough”, I would like to counter, and don’t you forget, a great leader always starts from the ground to reach the top of the ladder.
And one more Sir, the earth is not round shape, it’s some what elliptical.

To all the girls in the world :
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted

Herald what your mother said
Readin’ the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view

Don’t ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can’t stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can’t stop it, if you try to
This time it’s danger staring you in the face

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together

I am wise, but it’s a wisdom of pain.
I am still an embryo with a long, long way to go.
I am a woman, I am strong, I am invincible.


Life Story, Relationship

Butterab, fly!

Dear readers,

There is a saying said ,“the person who can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry”
Have you ever heard it? Have you ever been in one?
It’s funny and silly, yet it’s exactly true, isn’t it?

Last week, I asked a friend of mine, if it is okay if I turn to be a heartless person. She was really surprised with my weird question and she asked ‘why so’. The only answer I could gave to her was,”because life becomes easier and happier when heart doesn’t come along with it.”
Anyhow, she kind of agreed with me – “feelings made me vulnerable, and it fooled me once, so yeah, I guess it is okay to be a heartless until we are smart enough to let our brain and heart work together,” she answered.

Earlier in one of my posts, I stated that I am a 80% thinking-20% feeling person. There were several things that made me questioning my own statement. This year, I have been trying to spare my heart a part in my decision-taking, but unfortunately, everything always went wrong whenever the heart was in it. Things were better whenever I chose to follow my logic and ignored my heart.

This year, I have learned to let some people earned my trust, let them in to my circle, cared for them sincerely- however, it ended with they misused everything I gave. Yet my heart told me to give it another chance – a second chance, third, fourth, it didn’t get any better, and last night was the last chance I gave to my heart.

I tried my best to balance my heart and mind, but it’s failed anyway. Either I become vulnerable or mean. Perhaps some of you will say that it shouldn’t go this way, but I just can’t. It’s about a self-defense. I hate to feel miserable when people I trusted did me wrong, when I felt betrayed. I’m having that feeling enough and I have to quickly come to my sense that I have all the authority to change my situation.

A person reminds me about me as a butterfly and a crab (I’m a Cancerian), a butterab. A butterab is strong enough and well-protected with the hard shell and sharp clams – she jumps and flies from one flower to another flower, make those flowers look more attractive and help them to reproduce, but never stay longer in one.

Perhaps that is the purpose why my parents named me with ‘Vanessa’, which means Butterfly.
Perhaps that is the reason why I was born as a Cancerian, protect myself with hard shell and sharp clams.
Perhaps that is the lesson that I got to learn to be more gracious, as my last name implied, ‘Gracia’.
Perhaps that is the life that ‘Vanessa Gracia’ has to live as a Butterab.

Thanks to you who touched me deeply with such a short bittersweet period.
Thanks to you for stop me from crying but also for making me cry.
Thanks to you for making me a heartless person in the future, again

Regret? No, no regrets.
It’s 16 hours to 2011.
For everything that has happened in 2010, this is one of my resolutions in 2011.


“Butterab, fly!”