Relationship

Different Flavors of Wrong

I had this typical of he-likes-me-but-not-my-type conversation yesterday. Yes again, for the hundredth time.

How long have you waited for the man/woman that seem quite right for you? 10 years? 20 years?

Have you started to think that the numbers of qualified man/woman has been declining for the past years, and all the good ones are taken? And then you start to blame yourself that you might be too nerdy or too chubby or too tall or too short, to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. And the climax stop at you trying to justify all the bullshits such as ‘I have not given a thought of a boyfriend yet’, ‘I need to focus on my career first’, and blah blah.

I need you to stop right now and get yourself a mirror.

The truth is you are perfect and amazing human being, just as you are, whether you are chubby, short, tall, geek, weird, fair skin, dark skin, etc.

The truth is there might be several men tried to ask you out in the past, but you deliberately shove them away just because you think he wasn’t decent enough for you.

The truth is you just think too much before it haven’t even started yet. Just jump and fall!

And to top it all, you just have way too many boundaries and see too many flaws in people, that you can’t see that you are fill of flaws as well.

I apologize for the harsh words, but sometimes I feel the urge to personally slap these people to stop creating unreasonable scenarios in their head, so they could get back on their feet that there is no right person. and neither are you.

He ain’t right.

You ain’t right.

Together both of you could be right for each other.

 

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Release the fear. Stop finding the wrong in people, and start looking for the goodness in them.

 

-Ness-

Life Story

The men in demand

ImageHave the time to soothe insecurities and fears, I cannot have a man who is standing on a stone by a creek, watching for the fist to swim by and eery time he sees a fish he says, “Oh look, this fish scares me, I wonder what this fish means, this fish might mean- this, or this fish might mean-that”.

 For God’s sake, they are just fish, and they don’t mean anything! Such a sad thing, so many times, strong men standing on top of little stones, pointing at fish all the time! Such a waste! Such a waste of time! I can only have a man who will leap into the water, not minding the damn fish and whatever other little things that scare him.

I need to have someone who is braver than me; If I am a pirate, he has to be the pirate captain, if I am a pirate captain, he has to be the flying dragon” – anonymous

Image

-Ness-

 

Relationship

If only he would commit…

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” ―Peter F. Drucker

I feel like someone slaps me in the face when I read about this. Ever since more friends and families are asking about when I will be married, I have been thinking about relationship and commitment A LOT. I can assure you it’s not because I feel intimidated with the question, but you know, this thing is kind of intriguing.  Deep down, I know I am yearning for a committed relationship and looking forward to the bright future, but I feel like I’m losing my faith here. It just happened over and over again. I find myself attracting the wrong type of guy over and my relationship compass is might be off and in need of a calibration.

He may still love you. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. BUT what matters is WHAT HE’S DOING ABOUT IT.

Another slap on my face.

How many times you’ve found yourself yet again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit? Oh yes, I can tell. We keep repeating this pattern over and over again. It’s sucks facing a dilemma with no clear answers; and waiting around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship. We so want to believe that he will be different from the rest, but unfortunately he will not be in the near future.

I can understand how frustrating to be in the state whether to cut him loose or to keep this relationship. Often times, we do what we always do. We holding onto hope and trying to see as many positive signs as we can. The thought of losing him keeps us staying. The thought of him committing to someone else if we decide we’ve had enough, keeps us putting our own needs on hold. We’re afraid this might be our one and only shot at the real thing. I can understand the frustration, trust me, been there.

During the frustration state, it’s difficult to imagine the idea of letting him go. I’d love the idea to just easily let go and move on, but you know it just doesn’t go that way. Then I start to think, if I might be too pushy, too demanding, too impatient, too insecure, too anxious, too needy. I can’t imagine that I’m me who is caring, loving, understanding – will do such cruel thing to hurt someone I love. But then again, I come to my common sense that this isn’t about me since the very first; it’s his issue, not mine. Why am I beating myself like this?

It takes some times for me to come to an understanding that I’d like to share with you:

1. It takes two to tango. Means when it comes to a commitment, both parties have to be on the same page and willing to do the work TOGETHER.

2. This commitment issue has nothing to do with age. I have been told about men in their twenties are mostly afraid of having a committed relationship. But hey, I have MANY guy friends who are married in their early (or) mid twenties, it turned out they love marriage life and they become awesome husbands and dads. So no, there is no particular age about commitment issue.

3. You CANNOT change a guy who won’t commit, not just by loving him more or caring him more. His inability to commit to you really doesn’t have anything to do with you

4.  If he’s going to come around, it will be when he’s ready, not on your timetable.

So, having read those 4 points above, please do yourself (and him) a favor: let him deal with his issue, walk away and commit to loving and respecting and caring for yourself more than he ever could. Make yourself available for the kind of relationship that you truly want, truly deserve, with a man who is ready and wants a committed relationship in the same way you do.

Going against your nature would be uncomfortable and painful. However, analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it, isn’t going to make a difference too. The two of you would be perfect for each other – if a committed relationship is what he was looking for.  But he’s not.  And we are. He’s not a bad guy – he just doesn’t have a heart to tell you that he’s not ready. Practically, it’s just not a match. We deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with us, who wants the same things we want and who has a picture of us in his future.

What if he comes around and it might be too late?

The only assurance you have is that you will be the first to know if he decides he’s ready to commit to you. He knows how to get in touch with you. That’s how it works.  It’s just not now.  Not with him.  And you know it.

If it’s fated, you will find each other once again.

Live your life, beautiful.

Ness

Life Story, Relationship

The art of gentlemanliness

When was the last time someone held a door open for you?

or When was the last time you had someone offered his seat to you in a public transportation?

I am an independent girl,  I know I can take care of myself and also I appreciate the aspects of feminism. But hey, I’m still flattered when a guy let me go through a doorway before him, or when a guy volunteers to kill a cockroach that run after me. I still find those gestures,  being chivalrous,  to be a gorgeous thing.

Most girls I know are still love the idea of a chivalrous guy. Don’t get us wrong, we love our independence in life, but deep down, we always dream guys to treat us like ladies.

Case in point : I went out with a guy friend and he decided to drive me home. I told him to just drop me nearby my place so he can just leave (he told me that he was late to another appointment). Surprisingly, he insisted to park his car nearby my place and insisted to walk me to my front door, then waited til I locked my door before he left. I know lots of you girls would say “Awww…” Yea, right, it’s sweet, wasn’t it?

I know it’s such an unimportant details but we girls simply flattered by little things. What my friend did was simply gave me an impression that he cared about my safety. Although perhaps for him, it was nothing.

As the gentleman has adapted to fit the modern world, I admit that women often give men an impression that we don’t need courting anymore, we  are capable by ourselves. Little did you know that gentlemanly behavior STILLS sets our hearts aflutter. We want to see it, and many of us are waiting on it. Women notice the small stuff. We notice the gentleness and every little kindness you do to us.

Here are some hints that you could use to sweep her off of her feet :

  • Walk her home
    Walking a lady home is an important gentleman gesture. She will feel safer and flattered that you care for her safety.
  • Walk outside on the sidewalk
    By keeping her on the inside, you will keep her from traffic and protect her from getting splashed by a jerky driver
  • Offer a jacket
    Sometimes, we dress without any consideration that we might get cold later on. If you go out with her and notice that it’s cold, as a gentleman you are supposed to offer her your jacket (if you wear one) even though there might be a possibility she may refuse in the first place. Repeat your offer. Her comfort is your priority, gentleman
  • Hold the door for her
    Open a door for her and let her walk through before you. This is an ultimate conduct of a gentleman. If she arrives at the door first and begins pushing the door open, stand on the side where the door hinges are and simply extend your arm over her head to take the door’s weight from her as she passes through. I guess, this simply doesn’t apply to women only, but also to an older person. A basic courtesy, I would say.

Last but not least, all these gestures, make them a part of your behavior as a gentleman. Once again, the main idea is not just to impress her, but to show her that you respect her and willing to make her feel comforted (protected) when she’s with you.

As for me, I still like seeing guys who behave like a true gentleman and yes, chivalry is still important as it ever was.

Cheers,

Ness

Relationship

Jump and Fall… in Love!

Dear readers,

Today is the Chinese New Year or the Lunar New Year. As a Chinese descendant, I celebrate it 🙂 So, first, I want to say : 恭喜发财,万事如意! to all of you who celebrate CNY. Lets hope the Rabbit’s year is better than last year 😀

As I promised you 2 days ago, that I will regularly write posts about love this month, today we are going to talk about ‘how to tell if you fall in love?’ So, let rolls!

As love enters your life, you may find some troubles to define what do you really feel at the moment. Being touched by love, is an amazing thing to feel in life. Unfortunately, it can be hard to know, whether what you feel, is love or like.

The symptoms of falling in love can be obviously seen in a person. As you fall in love, your excitement increases every time you meet this person. You may have trouble to execute your daily tasks accurately, as your consciousness is shifting away every now and then. When you fall in love, the object of your affection is constantly in your mind. You feel a need to talk about this person, as much as possible. Everything that goes on around you seem to relate with the person you are falling for.

There is a HUGE difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’. ‘Like’ is much or less the same with the terminology of love, except that ‘like’ requires less of consistency and intensity. When you like a person, it doesn’t always mean you love that person. But when you love a person, automatically you must be like that person. We can normally live without something we like, but it is difficult to live without our love.

Love is something we don’t know the scientific process of. It is strongly related to an emotion that is often being misunderstood. Love cannot be quantified and we just simply accept as being there. Love is something that we tend to give carefully because of the potential for pain, while like is more related to a loan and you don’t concern yourself with much if you may not have it back.

In a nut shell, how to know if you fall in love :

1. the person is always on your mind and you try to justify the reason why he/she is in your mind.
2. you genuinely care about that person, his/her happiness, more than your own.
(with or without physical contact)
3. you start to play out that person in your fantasy about being with him/her, forever and after.
4. you want to share every hours, thoughts, moments, with him/her, simply because you don’t want to miss
a thing.
5. you feel comfortable, relaxed and secure whenever you are with him/her.

I could jot down the longer list, but I think, you can feel it inside if you fall in love with a person. Philosophers and scientist have been conducting their theories about love. Yet, with all the time and energy, we still don’t know what love is, except that it is something that we feel and want to feel again since the first time we encounter it. In the real world, each emotion can triggers what lies within us; love can grow from like just as like can be produce from love. For me, it is just how you see night and day; what people call by night, some others call it by day.

Little tips from me before you fall in love :
1. Love yourself first. It is impossible to love another human being, if you don’t know how to love yourself.
2. write down the list of qualities you want in a partner. think about your past relationship,
what you disliked or liked.
3. examine yourself whether you just want to have a real relationship or just fooling around.
4. do not pursue, but also do something (cupid is not that smart in love archery).
5. prepare your heart of the risk of getting hurt. Work together with your logic and heart.

Love chooses you.
All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others, give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love is in the air,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Relationship

l’amour, 爱, 사랑, dragoste, αγάπη = L.O.V.E

Dear readers,

Last month, under many circumstances, I often kept myself off the radar. Please accept my apology for my frequent absence to write. To redeem my guilt, I will write more posts this month. As we all know that February is well-connected with the month of love 😛 and prior to that, we will discuss more about love, love, and love 😉

Let us break it down this huge thing called love, by looking closer to the outer shell of love.

What is love?
Many centuries have passed by, mankind has declared it again and again, yet no one can offer a proper definition of love. To some people, love is affection; to some others, love is feeling or love is like gambling. No matter how you define it, surely you have your own opinion about love 🙂

According to merriam-webster dictionary, love can be explain into some definitions, such as :
1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal love for a child)
2. attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
3. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

There are so many things to consider when we talk about one of the most complex topics, called love. The word love can vary into different kind of feelings or attitudes or attraction. It is also may refer to an intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love, to the familial love, to the religious state of love, or to the platonic (friendship) love. However, the most exhilarating of all, is romantic love.

Romantic love is the feeling that you experience when you develop a deep attachment to someone and you want to form a solid relationship with that person. Love develops between two different people and there are some stages need to be understood to endure love.

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

1. Lust
– driven by the sex hormones for mating – in both men and women
– hormones : testosterone and estrogen

2. Attraction
– the more romantic desire for a specific candidate. This is the stage when love-struck happens and you can’t think of anything else other than the person.
– the most common physical symptoms can be seen when your body reach to the person. Heart rate increases, temperature body rises, butterflies in your tummy, etc. After the circumstance is right and you find more things in common with the person, then an emotional attraction starts to form. An emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. This way, the bond between the two people may even be stronger.
– hormones : adrenaline, dopamine and pheromone, serotonin.

3. Attachment
– the bond that keeps couples together long enough to have and raised children.
– Romance, intimacy and commitment are important in this level. There is an urgency to distinguish between selfish and selfless. Romance is quite an ‘act’ ; related with giving your attention or gifts upon your loved ones. Intimacy is a developing process, which never ends. A true intimacy is when you can tell and share anything to your partner. You can share your thoughts, dreams, goals, etc, and it is an association came from a deepest nature of you. A vow to remain true to your partner in good and bad times. Commitment is easy in good times, but it can be really difficult in bad times.
– Hormones : oxytocin, endorphins and vasopressin.

That’s all of my brief explanation of a nature phenomenon, love. This post may be confusing or helping. But anyway, regardless of how love plays role on you, it is worth the effort. So I hope this post could be a little help out for starters in knowing love, before you deeply in love. But really, how do you know if you are in love? I will explain it in my next post, just wait up! ^^

For the taken ones, simply do this tips to develop your relationship :
listen, compromise, understand and remember how the two of you got together 🙂

For the single ones, you might want to give it a shot, is about how to fall in love :
– find a person that you are interested with or a person that you want to try with (or a stranger can works too)
– reveal and converse about each other’s life, thoughts, hobbies, etc, about 30 mins or so.
– stare into each other’s eyes for about 4 mins, and lets see if there’s a spark in there 🙂

Last but not least, have a little faith! Everyone deserves to love and be loved, and so do you! Bonne chance!

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.

Love is in the air,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Life Story, Relationship

Butterab, fly!

Dear readers,

There is a saying said ,“the person who can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry”
Have you ever heard it? Have you ever been in one?
It’s funny and silly, yet it’s exactly true, isn’t it?

Last week, I asked a friend of mine, if it is okay if I turn to be a heartless person. She was really surprised with my weird question and she asked ‘why so’. The only answer I could gave to her was,”because life becomes easier and happier when heart doesn’t come along with it.”
Anyhow, she kind of agreed with me – “feelings made me vulnerable, and it fooled me once, so yeah, I guess it is okay to be a heartless until we are smart enough to let our brain and heart work together,” she answered.

Earlier in one of my posts, I stated that I am a 80% thinking-20% feeling person. There were several things that made me questioning my own statement. This year, I have been trying to spare my heart a part in my decision-taking, but unfortunately, everything always went wrong whenever the heart was in it. Things were better whenever I chose to follow my logic and ignored my heart.

This year, I have learned to let some people earned my trust, let them in to my circle, cared for them sincerely- however, it ended with they misused everything I gave. Yet my heart told me to give it another chance – a second chance, third, fourth, it didn’t get any better, and last night was the last chance I gave to my heart.

I tried my best to balance my heart and mind, but it’s failed anyway. Either I become vulnerable or mean. Perhaps some of you will say that it shouldn’t go this way, but I just can’t. It’s about a self-defense. I hate to feel miserable when people I trusted did me wrong, when I felt betrayed. I’m having that feeling enough and I have to quickly come to my sense that I have all the authority to change my situation.

A person reminds me about me as a butterfly and a crab (I’m a Cancerian), a butterab. A butterab is strong enough and well-protected with the hard shell and sharp clams – she jumps and flies from one flower to another flower, make those flowers look more attractive and help them to reproduce, but never stay longer in one.

Perhaps that is the purpose why my parents named me with ‘Vanessa’, which means Butterfly.
Perhaps that is the reason why I was born as a Cancerian, protect myself with hard shell and sharp clams.
Perhaps that is the lesson that I got to learn to be more gracious, as my last name implied, ‘Gracia’.
Perhaps that is the life that ‘Vanessa Gracia’ has to live as a Butterab.

Thanks to you who touched me deeply with such a short bittersweet period.
Thanks to you for stop me from crying but also for making me cry.
Thanks to you for making me a heartless person in the future, again
.

Regret? No, no regrets.
It’s 16 hours to 2011.
For everything that has happened in 2010, this is one of my resolutions in 2011.

Heartless.

“Butterab, fly!”

Vness