Life Story

All is good

It’s been months of struggles, from marriage drama to growing my business. Everyday feels like another problem and obstacle to solve, but I can’t even figure it out. Every day tempted me to give up and to just quit all plans and dreams. I cannot see any way out. Then there is this one song, sang at my pre-marriage course and it made me cried my heart out. How I have been struggling alone, leaving my God out, using my own strength. I feel ashamed of myself. I used to have a strong faith that God will help me through anything. This song reminds me that God is still there, He has planned all the goods I cannot see.

The song is in Bahasa Indonesia

Smua Baik

Dari semula, tlah Kau tetapkan
hidupku dalam tanganMu
dalam rencanaMu, Tuhan
Rencana indah, tlah Kau siapkan
bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan

Smua baik, smua baik
apa yang tlah Kau perbuat didalam hidupku
Smua baik, sungguh teramat baik
Kau jadikan hidupku berarti

Maybe I cannot see what is standing in front of me. I am afraid to overcome my future. One thing I am sure, God has planned a beautiful future for me.

Ness

Life Story

12 Hal Bodoh yang gw Percaya

One of the inspiring article I’ve ever read.

Tulisan Krisnanda

a journey a journey

12 hal bodoh yang dulu gw percaya dalam perjalanan kekristenan gw. Beberapa masih susah dihilangkan dari prinsip hidup gw karena sudah tinggal di otak gw selama bertahun-tahun. Beberapa hal bodoh ini mungkin juga nantinya terbukti tidak bodoh since I have high probability to be wrong again. Who knows? But for now, I think they are stupid. Dan maaf kalau banyak kata2 keras (moron contohnya) di tulisan ini. It just tells me how moron I could be. :p

 1. Kalau orang Kristen  pasti harus healthy, wealthy, and happy dan sukses di market place

Ini jualan paling laku di mimbar gereja. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu iman dan menjadi berkat. Kalau emang konsep ini benar, kedua belas muridnya Yesus atau Paulus mungkin tidak qualified untuk jadi orang Kristen. Paulus punya sakit yang ga hilang-hilang dan terdampar di perahu. Healthy mananya? Petrus meninggal dengan disalib terbalik. Happy mananya? Yesus perlu mancing dulu buat dapeting uang…

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Life Story

NUMB

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Honestly, I don’t know what depression feels like. I have never related the dark hole I am in to any symptom of depression, but what I feel is eating me inside. For me, it feels like I am nothing, I feel nothing and I am going nowhere. Nothing has significant meaning for me. What I know is getting through it all, every day. Each day passes by, I tried to focus to my goals, to be brave. Fortunately, every time someone asked if I’m Okay, the answer is always the same “I am great”. 

There was one point when I thought I tried to hard to be tough facing every rocks thrown at me, until I become totally numb towards everything. And now, I can’t even define what I feel. Except feeling a huge hole and something feels ‘off’ inside of me.

If any of you feel like some of the points written below are true, I guess we are on the same page :

  • You feel like in a fog
  • You are easily get irritated by your closed ones
  • You feel like your life has no direction
  • You feel there’s something ‘wrong’
  • You feel exhausted, no matter how much rest you take
  • You often cry for no apparent reason
  • You have difficulty falling asleep or awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then you can’t get back to sleep
  • You can’t think straight. Your brain doesn’t seem to work
  • You don’t want to make decisions – it’s too much work
  • You have a hard time remembering things.
  • You feel like everything seems hopeless
  • You don’t get excited over new things anymore
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot
  • Your neck hurts and feel like your body stiffened every day
  • You’re frustrated with everything and everybody
  • You easily feel mad, like you could just explode!
  • You feel like you’re “different” from everyone else
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right
  • Everything you see seems to be black and white movie

Well, I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t know if I need to go to a shrink. I’m still trying to convince myself that I am not insane.

This feels like living in a dream, but I can’t judge if this is a nightmare or a real one.

– Ness –

 

Life Story

The clock

Do you see its eye?
It is staring at me!

Do you hear its voice?
It is yelling at me!

No, I’m not hallucinating

Please!
It’s running after me!
It’s coming to me!

No, I’m not imagining

Please!
I lost my breath
I lost my track
Please!

Sshhh…
It could hear you
It could see you

What? You don’t know it?

It’s the clock!

It doesn’t want me to rest
It doesn’t want me to stop

I can’t
Any more
Any longer

Stop thinking
Stop pacing
Stop rushing

Oh no!

Tick tock
It’s the clock!

I reached the point where I feel so tired. Physically and mentally. I want to quit my job, stop socializing, stop going out, stop going further to reach my goals, and just lay down and drift of into a cave and hide there. Suddenly, I feel so sick with trying and surviving. Actually No, it’s not a sudden. Maybe I’ve been holding it inside all this time. Pretending to be brave. I feel so exhausted til I cant feel anymore. I become so numb. I just want to quit… everything. The clock keeps ticking. I can hear it out loud. Even in my sleep. It won’t stop. It doesn’t want me to rest. Or perhaps, I’m being delusional. Yes, I might be crazy.

Ness-

Relationship

Different Flavors of Wrong

I had this typical of he-likes-me-but-not-my-type conversation yesterday. Yes again, for the hundredth time.

How long have you waited for the man/woman that seem quite right for you? 10 years? 20 years?

Have you started to think that the numbers of qualified man/woman has been declining for the past years, and all the good ones are taken? And then you start to blame yourself that you might be too nerdy or too chubby or too tall or too short, to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. And the climax stop at you trying to justify all the bullshits such as ‘I have not given a thought of a boyfriend yet’, ‘I need to focus on my career first’, and blah blah.

I need you to stop right now and get yourself a mirror.

The truth is you are perfect and amazing human being, just as you are, whether you are chubby, short, tall, geek, weird, fair skin, dark skin, etc.

The truth is there might be several men tried to ask you out in the past, but you deliberately shove them away just because you think he wasn’t decent enough for you.

The truth is you just think too much before it haven’t even started yet. Just jump and fall!

And to top it all, you just have way too many boundaries and see too many flaws in people, that you can’t see that you are fill of flaws as well.

I apologize for the harsh words, but sometimes I feel the urge to personally slap these people to stop creating unreasonable scenarios in their head, so they could get back on their feet that there is no right person. and neither are you.

He ain’t right.

You ain’t right.

Together both of you could be right for each other.

 

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Release the fear. Stop finding the wrong in people, and start looking for the goodness in them.

 

-Ness-

Life Story

The men in demand

ImageHave the time to soothe insecurities and fears, I cannot have a man who is standing on a stone by a creek, watching for the fist to swim by and eery time he sees a fish he says, “Oh look, this fish scares me, I wonder what this fish means, this fish might mean- this, or this fish might mean-that”.

 For God’s sake, they are just fish, and they don’t mean anything! Such a sad thing, so many times, strong men standing on top of little stones, pointing at fish all the time! Such a waste! Such a waste of time! I can only have a man who will leap into the water, not minding the damn fish and whatever other little things that scare him.

I need to have someone who is braver than me; If I am a pirate, he has to be the pirate captain, if I am a pirate captain, he has to be the flying dragon” – anonymous

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-Ness-

 

Life Story

I QUIT!!!

It’s been 6 months I’ve been thinking to quit.

Not that I am not good enough for them, but I feel like they don’t deserve me.

I have been gone too far, sunk too deep, lost.

This place was my perfect battlefield, the place where all the greatest ones were born, raised and thrive.

They said,”Only the best ones survived”

I was proud. Too proud.

And drowned in my arrogance, ambition, triumph.

Until once in a gloomy day, I realized my evil side has taken over myself.

I was becoming the person I’ve always scared to be.

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Again, I am reluctant to let my throne go. My pride. My ego.

Little did I know, I was messed up, brutally injured, yet still forcing myself to fight.

I used to think “this is the place where I belong, my second home, where I thrive with my fellow survivor”

I used to say “these people are my family, they raised me to be strong and indestructible”

Until my closed ones said “you are changed. you are scaring me.”

That was the point when I feel that this isn’t right.

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So, I come to a decision.

I am done with hurting myself.

I need my life back.

I got to fly again.

i quit.

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Buildings with a hundred floors, Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but gotta keep moving on, moving on