Life Story

All is good

It’s been months of struggles, from marriage drama to growing my business. Everyday feels like another problem and obstacle to solve, but I can’t even figure it out. Every day tempted me to give up and to just quit all plans and dreams. I cannot see any way out. Then there is this one song, sang at my pre-marriage course and it made me cried my heart out. How I have been struggling alone, leaving my God out, using my own strength. I feel ashamed of myself. I used to have a strong faith that God will help me through anything. This song reminds me that God is still there, He has planned all the goods I cannot see.

The song is in Bahasa Indonesia

Smua Baik

Dari semula, tlah Kau tetapkan
hidupku dalam tanganMu
dalam rencanaMu, Tuhan
Rencana indah, tlah Kau siapkan
bagi masa depanku yang penuh harapan

Smua baik, smua baik
apa yang tlah Kau perbuat didalam hidupku
Smua baik, sungguh teramat baik
Kau jadikan hidupku berarti

Maybe I cannot see what is standing in front of me. I am afraid to overcome my future. One thing I am sure, God has planned a beautiful future for me.

Ness

Life Story

12 Hal Bodoh yang gw Percaya

One of the inspiring article I’ve ever read.

Tulisan Krisnanda

a journey a journey

12 hal bodoh yang dulu gw percaya dalam perjalanan kekristenan gw. Beberapa masih susah dihilangkan dari prinsip hidup gw karena sudah tinggal di otak gw selama bertahun-tahun. Beberapa hal bodoh ini mungkin juga nantinya terbukti tidak bodoh since I have high probability to be wrong again. Who knows? But for now, I think they are stupid. Dan maaf kalau banyak kata2 keras (moron contohnya) di tulisan ini. It just tells me how moron I could be. :p

 1. Kalau orang Kristen  pasti harus healthy, wealthy, and happy dan sukses di market place

Ini jualan paling laku di mimbar gereja. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu iman dan menjadi berkat. Kalau emang konsep ini benar, kedua belas muridnya Yesus atau Paulus mungkin tidak qualified untuk jadi orang Kristen. Paulus punya sakit yang ga hilang-hilang dan terdampar di perahu. Healthy mananya? Petrus meninggal dengan disalib terbalik. Happy mananya? Yesus perlu mancing dulu buat dapeting uang…

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Life Story

NUMB

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Honestly, I don’t know what depression feels like. I have never related the dark hole I am in to any symptom of depression, but what I feel is eating me inside. For me, it feels like I am nothing, I feel nothing and I am going nowhere. Nothing has significant meaning for me. What I know is getting through it all, every day. Each day passes by, I tried to focus to my goals, to be brave. Fortunately, every time someone asked if I’m Okay, the answer is always the same “I am great”. 

There was one point when I thought I tried to hard to be tough facing every rocks thrown at me, until I become totally numb towards everything. And now, I can’t even define what I feel. Except feeling a huge hole and something feels ‘off’ inside of me.

If any of you feel like some of the points written below are true, I guess we are on the same page :

  • You feel like in a fog
  • You are easily get irritated by your closed ones
  • You feel like your life has no direction
  • You feel there’s something ‘wrong’
  • You feel exhausted, no matter how much rest you take
  • You often cry for no apparent reason
  • You have difficulty falling asleep or awaken between 1 A.M. and 5 A.M. and then you can’t get back to sleep
  • You can’t think straight. Your brain doesn’t seem to work
  • You don’t want to make decisions – it’s too much work
  • You have a hard time remembering things.
  • You feel like everything seems hopeless
  • You don’t get excited over new things anymore
  • You feel as though you’re drowning or suffocating
  • You’re anxious and worried a lot
  • Your neck hurts and feel like your body stiffened every day
  • You’re frustrated with everything and everybody
  • You easily feel mad, like you could just explode!
  • You feel like you’re “different” from everyone else
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right
  • Everything you see seems to be black and white movie

Well, I don’t know what is going on with me. I don’t know if I need to go to a shrink. I’m still trying to convince myself that I am not insane.

This feels like living in a dream, but I can’t judge if this is a nightmare or a real one.

– Ness –

 

Relationship

Different Flavors of Wrong

I had this typical of he-likes-me-but-not-my-type conversation yesterday. Yes again, for the hundredth time.

How long have you waited for the man/woman that seem quite right for you? 10 years? 20 years?

Have you started to think that the numbers of qualified man/woman has been declining for the past years, and all the good ones are taken? And then you start to blame yourself that you might be too nerdy or too chubby or too tall or too short, to get a boyfriend/girlfriend. And the climax stop at you trying to justify all the bullshits such as ‘I have not given a thought of a boyfriend yet’, ‘I need to focus on my career first’, and blah blah.

I need you to stop right now and get yourself a mirror.

The truth is you are perfect and amazing human being, just as you are, whether you are chubby, short, tall, geek, weird, fair skin, dark skin, etc.

The truth is there might be several men tried to ask you out in the past, but you deliberately shove them away just because you think he wasn’t decent enough for you.

The truth is you just think too much before it haven’t even started yet. Just jump and fall!

And to top it all, you just have way too many boundaries and see too many flaws in people, that you can’t see that you are fill of flaws as well.

I apologize for the harsh words, but sometimes I feel the urge to personally slap these people to stop creating unreasonable scenarios in their head, so they could get back on their feet that there is no right person. and neither are you.

He ain’t right.

You ain’t right.

Together both of you could be right for each other.

 

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”

I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.

Release the fear. Stop finding the wrong in people, and start looking for the goodness in them.

 

-Ness-

Life Story

The men in demand

ImageHave the time to soothe insecurities and fears, I cannot have a man who is standing on a stone by a creek, watching for the fist to swim by and eery time he sees a fish he says, “Oh look, this fish scares me, I wonder what this fish means, this fish might mean- this, or this fish might mean-that”.

 For God’s sake, they are just fish, and they don’t mean anything! Such a sad thing, so many times, strong men standing on top of little stones, pointing at fish all the time! Such a waste! Such a waste of time! I can only have a man who will leap into the water, not minding the damn fish and whatever other little things that scare him.

I need to have someone who is braver than me; If I am a pirate, he has to be the pirate captain, if I am a pirate captain, he has to be the flying dragon” – anonymous

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-Ness-

 

Life Story

Red Alpha Dragon

First, let me rant to you for a while about how upset I was today to some ‘authorities’ at work who think that my aura is intimidating others. Yes, you read it right, it’s about my aura. Oh by the way, I have a RED AURA. Unfortunately, it’s not just my ‘alpha’ trait that bothers some people, but now my red aura is another one to blame. 

Many of you will not believe to this thing named aura, but they do exist. Aura is actually the glow illuminated by your energy and your aura color usually reflects your personality, your purpose and priority in life. I don’t know how to see a person’s aura but it can be learned. And so some people (including psychologist and indigo friends) see that my aura is red.

Some explanation I took from a website that elaborates red aura personality :

(courtesy of : http://www.whatsmyaura.com)

Reds – a strong aura within the physical color group – approach life with gusto and courage, and have tremendous physical, emotional and spiritual energy. Reds are at their best when they can engage in physical activities within their environment and through direct physical contact with others. Reds possess great passion and endurance for life and activities. They are great at sensing and overcoming all obstacles in life, work, and relationships. Reds are doers – give a red an idea or plan and it will be turned into action. Reds use all five physical senses to make decisions. If a Red cannot get in touch with one of the senses, if something is out of balance, then they will stall until their needs have been fulfilled. 

 

REDS & PERSONALITY: 

You will test your physical limit and seek victory at any cost; you must manage every aspect of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual life. Mentally, you really live in your head, planning your next physical challenge, and then actually moving that plan forward into reality. You are curious, and must understand practical applications for everything that you learn. You will get bored quickly if you do not have the opportunity to work “hands on”. You are intelligent and have survivor instincts that will help you conquer roadblocks in your life. Emotionally, you are unable to harness your behavior and/or feelings; you are exuberant, forthright, honest, direct, explosive, and will respond physically in both negative and positive ways to others. Socially, you like people around you in order to help them, understand them and interact with them in all aspects of their lives. You will approach a relationship with lust, and prefer mates who are passionate, intelligent, quick to make decisions, and are physically active. 

 

REDS & CAREER: 

You are direct, honest and sometimes blunt with your opinions. You definitely have leadership qualities, and you like to lead by showing others physically how to do something. You have high standards concerning the quality of work you do and accomplish, and often, you work simultaneously with your mind and your body. You usually make decisions quickly, and if someone does not think or see things as rapidly as you do, you may become angry and finish a project yourself.  You use money as a means to get the things that you will need to succeed at your craft or hobby. You have a great deal of strength – both mentally and physically – and you have great determination and courage. Good career choices for you will be working with your environment in some capacity – perhaps as a Policeman or Paramedic, Surgeon, Construction Worker, Professional Sportsman, Military.

 

So, having read all the above detailed elaboration of a RED, you might know a little bit of my character. Red in aura color is the color of root chakra and it stands for action, movement, fight, and survival mechanism as well as stability. Aggression is commonly found in people with predominantly red color aura. It takes a very strong, independent, self-realized person to handle the fiery personality of a Red. 

Now, lets add it up with my alpha-ness and my chinese astrology : a dragon. Yes, it is lethal. 

A couple of years ago, some friends suggested that I am an alpha female that unfortunately, often times I can be very intimidating and domineering. I had an ex and a couple of guy friends also told me that they feel intimidated by me. My existence. It was shocking. I did try to keep it low, but I became frustrated and lost. It’s just not my nature. 

Today, some of ‘authorities’ at my workplace told me that I have this red aura all over me (when does this all mystic relates to professionalism?) and it’s intimidating my new direct supervisor, an oversensitive lousy man who has zero leadership trait in his bones (quoting the ‘authorities’). The ‘authorities’ placed me in this new team, in hope I could be a model for this sunken-team, a total chaotic place with zillion complaints from our clients (now zillion has been reduced to millions) and too much estrogen there turned every working day a non-stop drama series. 

Long story short, it’s been 3 months since I took and tried to fix some shits created by this team. The ‘authorities’ happy, everybody’s happy. I thought I did well, less complaint more business. Unfortunately, the supervisor felt threaten by me and reported how I wasn’t being supportive to him (long story with irrelevant cause-effect actually). W-T-F. Not to forget the climax, he almost cried when the ‘authorities’ admonished him for not doing his role as it supposed to be.

“Put a poker face,” they said. 

“Your red aura is intimidating him. We acknowledged your great works BUT bear with him” 

That sounds ridiculous, right? How can my aura intimidate other people?

FYI, I NEVER, not even once in my life, discredit the people around me or put any harm to them. I am not sorry for being professional and focus on what I do. If I deserve any compliment or appreciation, that is because I work my ass off. I am not sorry if my whole existence becomes a threat to any particular person. 

I am not a spoiled brat.

I don’t cry and dwell over problems and runaway.

I am strong-headed person and stubborn, but I can distinguish what is right and wrong, what is subjective and objective.

I acknowledge someone’s power, but it is my decision not to respect that person if he/she doesn’t deserve my respect.

I am an arrogant and ambitious person, but I never meant any harm to other human being.

Last but not least, I refuse to be a coward and I face what is in front of me instead. 

To all the REDS out there, do not cover your glow. You are meant to stand out. Take the lead, if you must, but do not harm anyone. Survival is our basic instinct, we are all human being trying to thrive in this imperfect life. Time won’t stop and can’t be reversed, stop trying to be anyone else but you. Life will throw problems at us, wait for us to crumble, but REDS are destined to fight and conquer all the roadblocks. Life expects us not to mope and mourn, but to get back up and carry on. Someday, we will be able to look at ourselves differently, that we can carry on brilliantly and said ‘I did it’. 

So here I am : a RED ALPHA DRAGON. 😀 

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Ness