He and I

“I didn’t plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt if you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us.” -The Notebook

but you know

that I know you know

we are in a constant limbo.

 

 

-Ness-

The men in demand

Have the time to soothe insecurities and fears, I cannot have a man who is standing on a stone by a creek, watching for the fist to swim by and eery time he sees a fish he says, “Oh look, this fish scares me, I wonder what this fish means, this fish might mean- this, or this fish might mean-that”.

 For God’s sake, they are just fish, and they don’t mean anything! Such a sad thing, so many times, strong men standing on top of little stones, pointing at fish all the time! Such a waste! Such a waste of time! I can only have a man who will leap into the water, not minding the damn fish and whatever other little things that scare him.

I need to have someone who is braver than me; If I am a pirate, he has to be the pirate captain, if I am a pirate captain, he has to be the flying dragon” – anonymous

-Ness-

 

Mi casa, mi querido

Dear you,

It’s been years
Hours
Thousand of hours, I suppose

They said,
“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.”

You are more than just a ‘something’ to me

Million times I tried to banish this illogical damned feeling
Zillion times I yelled to myself to be real
God knows, I have tried

It should be easy
Easy to let go and move on
Move on to kill any hope for us

I can’t.

I don’t know what love is.

BUT

You feel like home to me
Warm
Safe
Comforting

We breathe under the same sky
Yet the sun and the moon haven’t been together
Miles and miles away from home

Time is ticking.
Fate is judging.

My heart is yearning to be at home

Should I let you fly away?
Should I give us up?

Will you fight for us?

-Ness-

Et si tu savais, ce que ce moment signifie pour moi
Et combien de temps j’ai attendu pour te toucher
Et si tu savais à quel point tu me rends heureuse
Je n’ai jamais pensé que j’aimerais quelqu’un si fort

If only he would commit…

“Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes; but no plans.” ―Peter F. Drucker

I feel like someone slaps me in the face when I read about this. Ever since more friends and families are asking about when I will be married, I have been thinking about relationship and commitment A LOT. I can assure you it’s not because I feel intimidated with the question, but you know, this thing is kind of intriguing.  Deep down, I know I am yearning for a committed relationship and looking forward to the bright future, but I feel like I’m losing my faith here. It just happened over and over again. I find myself attracting the wrong type of guy over and my relationship compass is might be off and in need of a calibration.

He may still love you. He probably doesn’t know what he wants. He probably still thinks about you all the time. BUT what matters is WHAT HE’S DOING ABOUT IT.

Another slap on my face.

How many times you’ve found yourself yet again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit? Oh yes, I can tell. We keep repeating this pattern over and over again. It’s sucks facing a dilemma with no clear answers; and waiting around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship. We so want to believe that he will be different from the rest, but unfortunately he will not be in the near future.

I can understand how frustrating to be in the state whether to cut him loose or to keep this relationship. Often times, we do what we always do. We holding onto hope and trying to see as many positive signs as we can. The thought of losing him keeps us staying. The thought of him committing to someone else if we decide we’ve had enough, keeps us putting our own needs on hold. We’re afraid this might be our one and only shot at the real thing. I can understand the frustration, trust me, been there.

During the frustration state, it’s difficult to imagine the idea of letting him go. I’d love the idea to just easily let go and move on, but you know it just doesn’t go that way. Then I start to think, if I might be too pushy, too demanding, too impatient, too insecure, too anxious, too needy. I can’t imagine that I’m me who is caring, loving, understanding – will do such cruel thing to hurt someone I love. But then again, I come to my common sense that this isn’t about me since the very first; it’s his issue, not mine. Why am I beating myself like this?

It takes some times for me to come to an understanding that I’d like to share with you:

1. It takes two to tango. Means when it comes to a commitment, both parties have to be on the same page and willing to do the work TOGETHER.

2. This commitment issue has nothing to do with age. I have been told about men in their twenties are mostly afraid of having a committed relationship. But hey, I have MANY guy friends who are married in their early (or) mid twenties, it turned out they love marriage life and they become awesome husbands and dads. So no, there is no particular age about commitment issue.

3. You CANNOT change a guy who won’t commit, not just by loving him more or caring him more. His inability to commit to you really doesn’t have anything to do with you

4.  If he’s going to come around, it will be when he’s ready, not on your timetable.

So, having read those 4 points above, please do yourself (and him) a favor: let him deal with his issue, walk away and commit to loving and respecting and caring for yourself more than he ever could. Make yourself available for the kind of relationship that you truly want, truly deserve, with a man who is ready and wants a committed relationship in the same way you do.

Going against your nature would be uncomfortable and painful. However, analyzing it and second-guessing it and trying to figure out why so you can fix it, isn’t going to make a difference too. The two of you would be perfect for each other – if a committed relationship is what he was looking for.  But he’s not.  And we are. He’s not a bad guy – he just doesn’t have a heart to tell you that he’s not ready. Practically, it’s just not a match. We deserve a real relationship with someone who wants to be with us, who wants the same things we want and who has a picture of us in his future.

What if he comes around and it might be too late?

The only assurance you have is that you will be the first to know if he decides he’s ready to commit to you. He knows how to get in touch with you. That’s how it works.  It’s just not now.  Not with him.  And you know it.

If it’s fated, you will find each other once again.

Live your life, beautiful.

Ness

What else matters?

Earlier today, I received an email from a penpal, telling me a story about his epic love stories that unfortunately didn’t turn out to be a happy-ever-after love story. Having read his story, if I were him, I’d be traumatized dealing with love. However, every fairy tale has its ending, but we get to feel and embrace the pain and love in it. Every story has to come to an end, but if there’s no story, what else is to write in your book of life? Think about it.

I stumbled upon Bob Marley’s saying, spend some time to read this :

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

“You may not be her/his first, her/his last, or her/his only. She/he loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?” – Bob Marley

Cheers,

Ness

Being Human

“I’m not in search of sanctity, sacredness, purity; these things are found after this life, not in this life; but in this life I search to be completely human: to feel, to give, to take, to laugh, to get lost, to be found, to dance, to love and to lust, to be so human.”  – C. Joybell. C

A friend asked me to ‘translate’ a gesture of her guy friend who’s been making a move on her recently. She told me this and that, how she’s been friends for a loooong time with this guy and afraid if she mislead the signal and/or the friendship itself will come to and end if it doesn’t work between them. I said : the heck with what-if, reading a guy’s signal, etc. Just go with it.

Most of the times, we create our own problem and complicate things by over-think a simple stuff. Not that I said love is a simple stuff, but hey, you’ll go crazy trying to be a fortune-teller of what might come next.

I believe most of us yearn for love, to be loved by the person you love in a relationship. In order to experience that you can’t just sit around and wait for prince charming to knock on your door to bring you a glass shoe. Your dream guy may be that muscular italiano signor figure with Jason Statham’s killer jawbone, dimples and sexy eyes, yes yes I hear you. But stop it, that shy geeky guy that you always put in your friend-zone, always cheer you up when you’re down, he accompanies you to your favorite art exhibition. He might not be Jason Statham, but he adores you and love to make you the happiest girl on earth. Isn’t that what we are looking for? Someone who will be there for us through ups and downs, someone to laugh with, someone who cares for you when no one does, a best friend, a lover, a protector. Soon you will come to your sense that there is no picture perfect. No one does and neither you.

So, first thing first, stop being an idealist and start being realistic instead. Keep your feet on earth.  You can’t live in a criteria, you have to live your life. You can’t wait for your plans to materialize, because they may never materialize the way you think they will. You can’t wait to watch your ideals and standards walk up to you, because you can’t know what’s yours until you have it. Growing up means learning what life is. growing up takes that even one step further, growing up means that you have to hold on to what you have, when you have it, because what you have- that’s yours- and all the ideals and criteria you have set in your head, those aren’t yours, because those haven’t happened to you. Growing up means learning what life is, and that is including love.

You can’t fall in love with a standard, you have to fall in love with a person. 

Waiting for perfection is not an answer, one cannot say “I will be ready when I am perfect” because then you will never be ready

I believe in going with the flow. I don’t believe in fighting against the flow. You ride on your river and you go with the tides and the flow. But it has to be your river, not someone else’s.

When I get into my river, I get  all the bruises, all the wounds, all the scars, while it goes up and down and upside down, sometimes I get thrown out and I hit my head, but I crawl back in again and the moment I’m back in, it just keeps on going and going again. Guess what, I’m not addicted with pain but I know I wasn’t born to stand on the sidewalk and watch all the fun up there. Butterflies don’t care if the whole world saw their colors or not! But what matters is that they flew, they glided, they hovered, they saw, they felt, and they loved the ones whom they flew with. That is an existence of living.

I can’t decide if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl or the other way around. I’m a flawed person. I’m random and I’m always growing, learning, changing. And in this lifetime, I chose to be completely human and I don’t wanna throw even one of my moments away.

There is no comfort and assurance. You stand and you deal. You face the world with a head held high and you carry the universe in your heart.

Cheers,

Ness

Fearless

If it’s between love and losing
And to never have known the feeling, I’d still side with love
And if I end up lonely at least I will be there knowing I believe in love

If this is how it feels to fall
Then that’s the way it is, we live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall till it falls

I’ll be okay, better believe I’m fearless

Ness

Too much

Don’t trust too much. Don’t love too much. Don’t hope too much. Because that too much can hurt you so much.

The above sentence explained how I’ve been feeling for a couple of days. A couple of friends and I were discussing about love issue, when we finally agreed that nowadays love has been overrated. It becomes so complicated and confusing.

What makes it so hard, to fall in love, be with someone you love through ups and downs, and be happy together.
It’s supposed to be that simple. Apparently, it’s way much more complicated.
Where does ‘happy ever after’ goes?
It seems that most of us are to busy loving someone til we forget the existency of love itself.

Yesterday a friend of me told me , that my biggest problem is I love too much. I often over-attached to someone or something that I love, unconsciously. This habit is unexpectedly causing me a heartache, a terrible one. Then I realized that  often times, we lose ourselves during that loving process. We lose our identity. We put the people we love before us, that we don’t realize that we also need to be loved.

I’ve been busy being a warrior, that no one notices when I’m breaking. I’m losing myself that I neglect my own desire. To be loved.

Life currently shows me two choices : endure and survive or leave and fresh start. Is it worth the everything I risk here.

There’s so much at stakes. So much to sacrifice. The question is : how far I’m gonna go.

Honestly, the last thing I want to do is going too far. I’m desperately tired with sacrifice and put too much in everything. I’m tired of hurtful cry. I’ve been longing for a normal life and stop being so strong. No more life surprises. It must be great.

Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to stay in your life and prove how much they love you.  Someone who is gonna love you the way you wanted him to need you. Someone who really sees your worth. Someone who will shed my tears and makes me smile again. Someone who stays up with you no matter what mood you are in.

I don’t need too much. Just enough is more than enough.

Ness

Bittersweet Goodbye

Heartaches are always painful. Missing the person that is now taken away or someone leaving is always tearing your heart into pieces. But as time goes by, you know that this will pass and it won’t hurt anymore.. you will know how to handle it better.

I’ve stumbled and picked myself up, over and over again with no safety net. Crazy, yet I still do that. Why? Because you cant explain why you love someone, you can’t…. you just do. 

However, I think we all know well that people change, we change, and feelings will eventually change. An inevitable goodbye sometimes must be spoken to someone whom you dearly loved. There will be a part of you that feels ripped out and stomped on. You can’t breathe, you can’t eat, you can’t function. It’s the most intense pain that you’ll ever feel, and there’s no way to relieve it. A merciless torture. But what can we do except letting them go and start to walk away. There is nothing wrong with you or them. It’s not your fault, nor theirs. It just means that their part in your story is over.

I’m sure I don’t know what you’re going through. How hard it is to let someone go. How painful it must be to know that as right as you two are for each other, it doesn’t mean you’re right for each other right now. I wouldn’t know about how it makes you want to scream, angry…or cry.

Love is not your problem. For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.

Do not blame the relationship, because no relationship is ever a waste of time.  If it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what you DON’T want. If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, don’t mourn for too long.  Be thankful that your paths crossed and that they somehow made you happy, even if it was just for a short while.  Learn to accept that not everyone is who you once knew. It just takes a little time to figure it all out.

I used to think that I would never be able to mend my broken heart and would be able to fall in love again. I used to come to a thought that love is what makes me miserable, weak and worthless. I used to hate love. For certain times, I hurt those who loved me, those who were willing to love me sincerely. I’ve been walked on, used and forgotten. I don’t want anybody to take advantage of me, ever again. I was scared.

At some point, I’ve come to an answer : forgiveness.

When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK and it doesn’t mean you accept what have that person done in your life.  It simply means you’ve made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life

I’ve learned that we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we have learned a lot from our bad choices… who we can trust and who we can’t. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.

I’ve made the right choice not to hold into a person who changed me into a person I am not. Everybody deserves somebody who helps them look forward to tomorrow. The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need.

Remember to be real to yourself  because it’s easier to mend a broken heart, than it is to piece together a shattered identity. You’re still young enough to fall in and out of love a few more times before you get it right. Sometimes it takes awhile to find the right person, but the right person is always worth the wait.

Eventually, the end of love is not the end of life.  You will overcome the heartache, and forget the reasons you cried, and who caused the pain. It should be the beginning of an understanding that love sometimes leaves for a reason, but never leaves without a lesson. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

What matters most is not the first, but the final chapter of your life, which unveils the details of how well you wrote your story. So please, continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories 🙂

 

Lots of Love,

Ness

 

Jump and Fall… in Love!

Dear readers,

Today is the Chinese New Year or the Lunar New Year. As a Chinese descendant, I celebrate it 🙂 So, first, I want to say : 恭喜发财，万事如意! to all of you who celebrate CNY. Lets hope the Rabbit’s year is better than last year 😀

As I promised you 2 days ago, that I will regularly write posts about love this month, today we are going to talk about ‘how to tell if you fall in love?’ So, let rolls!

As love enters your life, you may find some troubles to define what do you really feel at the moment. Being touched by love, is an amazing thing to feel in life. Unfortunately, it can be hard to know, whether what you feel, is love or like.

The symptoms of falling in love can be obviously seen in a person. As you fall in love, your excitement increases every time you meet this person. You may have trouble to execute your daily tasks accurately, as your consciousness is shifting away every now and then. When you fall in love, the object of your affection is constantly in your mind. You feel a need to talk about this person, as much as possible. Everything that goes on around you seem to relate with the person you are falling for.

There is a HUGE difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’. ‘Like’ is much or less the same with the terminology of love, except that ‘like’ requires less of consistency and intensity. When you like a person, it doesn’t always mean you love that person. But when you love a person, automatically you must be like that person. We can normally live without something we like, but it is difficult to live without our love.

Love is something we don’t know the scientific process of. It is strongly related to an emotion that is often being misunderstood. Love cannot be quantified and we just simply accept as being there. Love is something that we tend to give carefully because of the potential for pain, while like is more related to a loan and you don’t concern yourself with much if you may not have it back.

In a nut shell, how to know if you fall in love :

1. the person is always on your mind and you try to justify the reason why he/she is in your mind.
2. you genuinely care about that person, his/her happiness, more than your own.
(with or without physical contact)
3. you start to play out that person in your fantasy about being with him/her, forever and after.
4. you want to share every hours, thoughts, moments, with him/her, simply because you don’t want to miss
a thing.
5. you feel comfortable, relaxed and secure whenever you are with him/her.

I could jot down the longer list, but I think, you can feel it inside if you fall in love with a person. Philosophers and scientist have been conducting their theories about love. Yet, with all the time and energy, we still don’t know what love is, except that it is something that we feel and want to feel again since the first time we encounter it. In the real world, each emotion can triggers what lies within us; love can grow from like just as like can be produce from love. For me, it is just how you see night and day; what people call by night, some others call it by day.

Little tips from me before you fall in love :
1. Love yourself first. It is impossible to love another human being, if you don’t know how to love yourself.
2. write down the list of qualities you want in a partner. think about your past relationship,
what you disliked or liked.
3. examine yourself whether you just want to have a real relationship or just fooling around.
4. do not pursue, but also do something (cupid is not that smart in love archery).
5. prepare your heart of the risk of getting hurt. Work together with your logic and heart.

Love chooses you.
All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life.
Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others, give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love is in the air,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ