l’amour, 爱, 사랑, dragoste, αγάπη = L.O.V.E

Dear readers,

Last month, under many circumstances, I often kept myself off the radar. Please accept my apology for my frequent absence to write. To redeem my guilt, I will write more posts this month. As we all know that February is well-connected with the month of love 😛 and prior to that, we will discuss more about love, love, and love 😉

Let us break it down this huge thing called love, by looking closer to the outer shell of love.

What is love?
Many centuries have passed by, mankind has declared it again and again, yet no one can offer a proper definition of love. To some people, love is affection; to some others, love is feeling or love is like gambling. No matter how you define it, surely you have your own opinion about love 🙂

According to merriam-webster dictionary, love can be explain into some definitions, such as :
1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (maternal love for a child)
2. attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers
3. affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

There are so many things to consider when we talk about one of the most complex topics, called love. The word love can vary into different kind of feelings or attitudes or attraction. It is also may refer to an intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love, to the familial love, to the religious state of love, or to the platonic (friendship) love. However, the most exhilarating of all, is romantic love.

Romantic love is the feeling that you experience when you develop a deep attachment to someone and you want to form a solid relationship with that person. Love develops between two different people and there are some stages need to be understood to endure love.

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

1. Lust
– driven by the sex hormones for mating – in both men and women
– hormones : testosterone and estrogen

2. Attraction
– the more romantic desire for a specific candidate. This is the stage when love-struck happens and you can’t think of anything else other than the person.
– the most common physical symptoms can be seen when your body reach to the person. Heart rate increases, temperature body rises, butterflies in your tummy, etc. After the circumstance is right and you find more things in common with the person, then an emotional attraction starts to form. An emotional attraction can also occur even when a physical attraction does not. This way, the bond between the two people may even be stronger.
– hormones : adrenaline, dopamine and pheromone, serotonin.

3. Attachment
– the bond that keeps couples together long enough to have and raised children.
– Romance, intimacy and commitment are important in this level. There is an urgency to distinguish between selfish and selfless. Romance is quite an ‘act’ ; related with giving your attention or gifts upon your loved ones. Intimacy is a developing process, which never ends. A true intimacy is when you can tell and share anything to your partner. You can share your thoughts, dreams, goals, etc, and it is an association came from a deepest nature of you. A vow to remain true to your partner in good and bad times. Commitment is easy in good times, but it can be really difficult in bad times.
– Hormones : oxytocin, endorphins and vasopressin.

That’s all of my brief explanation of a nature phenomenon, love. This post may be confusing or helping. But anyway, regardless of how love plays role on you, it is worth the effort. So I hope this post could be a little help out for starters in knowing love, before you deeply in love. But really, how do you know if you are in love? I will explain it in my next post, just wait up! ^^

For the taken ones, simply do this tips to develop your relationship :
listen, compromise, understand and remember how the two of you got together 🙂

For the single ones, you might want to give it a shot, is about how to fall in love :
– find a person that you are interested with or a person that you want to try with (or a stranger can works too)
– reveal and converse about each other’s life, thoughts, hobbies, etc, about 30 mins or so.
– stare into each other’s eyes for about 4 mins, and lets see if there’s a spark in there 🙂

Last but not least, have a little faith! Everyone deserves to love and be loved, and so do you! Bonne chance!

Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk everything, you risk even more.

Love is in the air,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ

Love moves in mysterious ways

Still it’s a mystery
How you ever came to me
Which only proves
Love moves in mysterious ways

When did it start? What did I do? Where was I? How could it be?
“I DON’T KNOW… honestly, I don’t know…” you whispered to yourself.

There are times when you’re questioning yourself with the questions above. No matter how much meditation time you spent to cool your brain, you just still can’t find the answer. And when you think you can rely on your head, there is a subliminal message saying,”I’m sorry… the system is not found. We’ll report this shameful trouble to the universe.” The next thing you know is, you’re sinking into a deep undefined mood and you’re blaming yourself for being inconsistent.

Personally, I’d rather dealing with partial differential equation for days, than having that unexplainable situation. For thinking-people like me, I know that you feel like you’re having a dysfunctional brain system. Don’t worry, your brain is working perfectly. It’s just sometimes, there are things that need to be taken care of, with a little more tender handling because you’re a human; and in that case, change your system to : heart mode.

Anyway, trust me, there is always a solution for everything (if you can’t find the solution, change the problem 😛 i’m kidding). I’m so willing to let you know that I’ve been there, and I’m still with both of my heart and head 😀

Once upon a time… (cheesy o.O)

Under many considerable circumstances, I kept my heart sealed in a safest place, to make my life goes less complicated until I’m ready to re-open it. Unexpectedly, in the name of love, my plan didn’t work out. I forgot when did it start, but later on, I knew that I fell into a complex situation called, falling-in-love.
In fact, the more I denied it, the more complicated my life went at that time.

I know that I have failed to get a grip on myself
But when he said that he loves me,
you don’t have any idea, how that simple words touch me deeply
you don’t understand, how much it means for me
At that moment, I could felt the butterflies in me!

Love moves in mysterious ways. I also can’t imagine that I’m at the point where I could love a person this much. As much as I tried to get rid of this, I just can’t stop my heart to feel for him. I can’t explain how it comes to me, how he could meant so much for me.

Some people say that love is blind. But, no, I’m not losing my ‘head’. I’m fully conscious and perfectly know what I’m feeling now. Obviously, I don’t know if he feels what I feel, I don’t know if he tells me the truth, I don’t know if I can offer you a happily-ever-after love story. He might hurts me or I have to feel the pain again or it’s just not meant to be, despite it all, I really thank him to help me FINALLY feel a thing called ‘love’ again. All I want to do now is just to feel this feeling, love him and let it flow.

Nothing is secure, in this life.
We could only put ourselves in a less risky situation.
The truth is anyone can hurt you, anyone can take you for granted.
If you’ve given your best, but they do you wrong for some reasons,
it’s their loss, not yours.
Let go, be strong, and love again.
For every love you give, every pain you feel, every problem you face,
there will always be a precious life lesson to learned.

Be brave enough to trust your heart, but also be smart enough to involve your brain.

After all,
it’s just a bittersweet life… take it or leave it ? 🙂

May you have enough courage, to love a person with your sincere heart.
May you have enough wisdom, to take a decision wisely with your head.

Vness

Say it

Say what you need to say…
Say what you need to say…
Say what you need to say…

John Mayer’s song is playing on my play list as I’m joking around with a few friends on MSN and skype. Actually, I should be in a sleep-mode since 4 hours ago. Testing my new internet (which is worse than the previous one) is my ultimate alibi. But then, having a few friends discussed with me about random things, leave me here with no other choice! (not-so-strong alibi).

5 days ago, a friend of mine told me about his lovey-dovey confusion affair with a younger girl (and the consultation session lasts every time we meet, and until now -.-‘ ). He asked me for my opinion and advice, based on his history. To make it short, he kinda ‘found’ a cute junior (who is also my junior) and has been flirting with her for several months. They went out for several times and she seemed to be happy when my friend’s around. The problem is, the girl sends him mixed signals. One time, she’s rejecting phone calls and plays hard to get, but at the other times, she’s trying to find out my friend’s feeling to her. Having a complicated past love history, made my silly friend said, “I like you, but as a friend”, when she asked what she means to him (I laughed constantly,oops!).

Well, with his male ego instinct, he declared that he’s fine and he’s actually not looking for anything further than that. I can easily tell that he’s lying! why? He stills talking about her, her facebook, her habits, her very updates for 5 days, and it’s happening now!
I asked him,”if you could turn back the time, and never said that she’s just a friend to you, what do you want really?”. He said that he wants more, as to be in a relationship.

Well, that’s it, man! Say it! It’s not like you’re losing all of your greatest reputation just to confess your true feeling. If she’s playing hard to get and so are you, it doesn’t solve anything. Rather than wasting your time and energy to get suffocated in your own game, you’d better take a bullet and give a shot. There’s only 2 possibilities, you’re going to die with a partner or alone. Whatever it is, you’re still going to die (okay, I’m exaggerating it, lol).

Does it have to be a guy who always make a first move?
Why does it has to be a guy?

Well, that’s the art of love, dude! Don’t you all guys love the adrenaline rush? (I’m just kidding, hehe)
In a world of women power supremacy, I guess women also need to take a role.
I don’t really care actually. Guys… Girls… look, we are not Tom and Jerry, unless you consider yourself equal to big cat and tiny mouse, stop acting like ones.
(nowadays, even cats and dogs are not playing the chase-me game anymore! Irrelevant?? okay, sorry, lets get back to the topic :D)

What I meant to say is, I know that it takes all your courage to throw your reputation to do that. But keep doing the same way as she did, will not make any better. Someone has to make a first move and take a risk.
It is true that some things are better left unsaid, but there are things that are too precious to keep it in silence.
The greatest mistakes we make, are the risks we don’t take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it so that you won’t live your life asking, “What if?” and telling yourself, “If only.”

Remember that it’s not about pride, it’s not about being impulsive… It’s just being true to yourself. Nothing is secure in this life, if you’re fussing to keep yourself in a secure position. Don’t worry too much… You’re created with brain and inner voice, that makes you different from animals. You fall in love and you fall out of love; you give and you lost; that is just how life goes. Accept it, feel it, admit it.

I believe that risk has to be minimized (one of Chem Eng’s rules of thumbs :P), but it can’t be avoided. Even a caterpillar needs to come out from its secure sanctuary to become a free beautiful butterfly 🙂

Well, in 7 hours I will have to torture my brain with Chemical Process Design, so I’d better leave this now.
I should really consider everyone’s advice to set a fee-charge for every 30 minutes consultation session

Taking off from Beta-state……

“Whatever is worth doing at all is worth doing well.”

Vness

p.s:
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it

An insomniacs’ babble

Hold on to me tight
Hold on, I promise it’ll be alright
Cause it’s you and me together
Just hold on to me
Don’t you ever let me go

Kala kata-kata bercerita tentang cinta,
sungguh aku tidak sanggup berdusta.
Walau dia jauh dari mata,
hanya dia yang aku pinta…

Maybe all the plans we made would not work out,
But I have no doubt even though it’s hard to see,
I’ve got faith in us and I believe in you and me

I was awaken and couldn’t get back to sleep. I decided to hook up with some words and pour my heart out here. Looking back at my previous posts, some of you might be wondering, why I have been in a sentimental mood lately. Well, besides of my très satisfaisant undergraduate thesis defense, I’m just really happy to spend more time with him.

After so many self-denial and delusional nights, the feeling that I’ve been keeping inside is getting stronger. All of the painful attempts to get over it, led to the ugly truth that he’s still the one for me. I don’t know what will happen with us in the future, but I don’t want to deny it anymore. I know clearly that it’s difficult for us with all the circumstances, but those are just not enough to let him go. Perhaps this time, all we have to do is just seize every moment and keep our hopes for the best.

This song by Michael Buble is my favorite one recently :

Please hold on,
I still believe in you and me

Vness

Sulit…

Untuk dia disana :

Sulit…
Aku dan kau pun sama-sama merasakan

Tak bisa kujanjikan kalau aku tidak akan berubah
Namun aku mau mencoba
Tak bisa kupastikan kalau aku tidak akan jatuh
Namun aku mau mencoba

Tak kuingkari kalau rindu yang kaurasakan menyiksamu
Namun kau tetap bertahan
Tak kuabaikan kalau penantian yang kaulakukan melelahkanmu
Namun kau tetap bertahan

Antara timur dan barat
Aku membenci matahari, kau membenci salju
Tetapi, aku dan kau sama-sama menunggu
Antara pagi dan malam
Aku memandang bulan, kau memandang fajar
Tetapi, aku dan kau sama-sama menanti

Sampai hari itu datang
Hanya ada rasa diantara aku dan kau
Hanya ada harapan diantara aku dan kau
Sampai hari itu datang

Perbedaan itu membuat kita bersama
Perbedaan itu membuat kita sama

Sulit…
Aku dan kau pun sama-sama merasakan

Vness (Nov 16 2010, The Maxi’s, Bdg)

Antara aku, dia, dan cinta

(Blue Curacaou)
Malam itu relung hatiku terpekur layu
Entah gundah apa yang membuatku terbisu
Secercah harapku akan hadirnya dewi bulan di tengah langit malam,
nyatanya hanya ada lautan hitam dalam kelam

…dan aku…

(Death by Chocolate)
Bibirku kembali meracau dengan dua sahabat jiwa
Setiap tuturku terucap, sekelebat sesak semakin terasa
Gelak tawaku terdengar parau dalam ruang kosong raga
Dalam sudut tersepi, aku terdesak untuk berkhayal tentang asa

…dan dia…

(Bintang pertama)
Dalam lamun, sosok itu kembali menembus dimensiku
“Suka”, ujarnya… “Luka” balasku…
Imaji hangat tentang romansa kala itu terasa kian membeku
Jarak yang membuat rindu, tetapi rindu yang menghasutku

…dan cinta…

(Bintang kedua)
Tak kusangka kini aku ingin berhenti berlari
“Tunggu aku,” dia memohon… “Rengkuh aku,” aku melirih…
Entah rasa apa yang merasukiku untuk tetap berdiri
Walau resah dan ragu menghantui, hatiku tak mampu menipu diri

…aku cinta dia…

Vness (Nov 13 2010, c9, Bandung)

It’s too little too late

Love says, “Don’t let me loose for I might fall off. Not too tight because I might get squeezed. Just gently, then maybe, just maybe, I might just stay for keeps.”

I just had a video chat conference with my 2 best friends (the other 3 can’t make it tonight :(). It’s been a while since they were graduated and we are all separated thousand miles away. I’m so glad to be able to see their face and hear their voices, although it’s on a laptop screen.

To make it short, we were actually catching up with the hot news that one of my best friend broke-up with her bf. I didn’t mean to be mean, but I’m so grateful that FINALLY she broke-up with him. Not just he was a douche-bag, but he ‘tortured’ my best friend!

After a few years of waiting (hope that our best friend could found her common-sense), hearing that hot news was such a relief. All this time, we’re all tried to make her realize that he didn’t do it for love. It’s not because we really hate him, but, our best friend is pretty, insanely genius, well-mannered, has a great personality, and she doesn’t deserve a man that could only killed all of her potential.

This news was actually a shocking one and unpredictable (we never thought that you could finally be free from him, Lan :P). I asked her, what makes her took this decision. She said that because she just lost the feeling, the love. When she was with him, he monitored her activities, controlled her life, and tried to make her as his creation, of course in a ridiculous way (I can’t spill it out here, but if you know, you’re going to say “WTH”).
I could say, she’s genuinely being over-patient to him, but again, she did it for love.

After finally she decided to go to Beijing to study, she could finally see the real life. With that guy’s obsessive attitude, I can understand that my best friend can barely take it anymore. I also asked her whether her ex tried to win her back, and she said that he did, but unfortunately, she has lost everything she used to have for him. His promise to change his attitude can’t convinced her enough to take him back. It’s just too late.

I noted some lessons from this late-night conversation :

Lesson no.1
You can never ever change a person.
(unless he/she realize it and willing to do it on his/her consciousness).
So, when you truly love someone, love her/him with all they way he/she is, with his/her goods and flaws.

Lesson no.2
There is a thin fine line between being protective and obsessive.
So, when you truly love someone, let her/him be himself/herself and help him/her to bring out his/her very best.

Lesson no.3
Love is just not enough.
So, when you truly love someone, you really have to understand that it takes more than just a feeling to maintain a healthy relationship.

Lesson no.4
Don’t wait until it is too late.
So, when you truly love someone, treat her/him with love (not your ego, not your wicked plan, not your childish attitude) and do your very best. Because when she/he leaves, you can’t turn back the time.

It’s just too little too late
A little too wrong
I just can’t wait
Your chance has come and gone
I’m starting to move on
I’m letting you go, I’m loving myself
I’m gonna say now :
It’s just too little too late

Two people may fall for each other but sometimes one gets up and walks away while the other is still fallen to the ground.

Vness

What’s your sound? Attraversiamo!

“When you’re lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you ARE lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered a few feet off the path, that you’ll find your way back to the trail head any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it’s time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.”

I just watched ‘Eat Pray Love’ with my two best mates. There is only one suitable word for the movie : SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS.

It’s a story about a successful young woman, Liz Gilbert, who was caught up with her life and suddenly lost herself in the midst of her 8-years marriage life, a loving husband, friends who loved her, and a successful writing career. One night, she felt so heart-broken, she had no more passion, she felt completely in a wrecked-life. In a way to FEEL herself again and life itself, she left everything she had, and started to look for an answer by having a journey to Italy, India, and Indonesia.

The movie was so real, for me, as if I were there, being a Elizabeth Gilbert. “THAT is exactly what I feel, for god’s sake!” I said it silently over and over again, as the scenes and dialog went on. In spite of the magnificent role I’m playing now, I CAN’T feel anything! I just want to run as far as I could to find an answer, so I can FEEL me, life, God, and the universe.

Friends, family, closed ones, might think that it’s just a common behavior of a person who grows up to another phase of life. They might say,”well, she’s just in a pitfall, she has a great life, she has friends and family who loved her.” NO! You’re not getting it! The ugly truth is, you just don’t know how it feels to lose your state of mind. It’s a pity that one has no idea of whose life one’s living in.

The journey started in Italy.
Why Italy?
She always wanted to learn Italian that she believes more beautiful than roses, to taste a spaghetti just for herself, to see the wonderful Italian life.
As she so eager to learn Italian, she was introduced to an Italian, by a new friend. She learned one beautiful word : “Attraversiamo”, which means, “let’s cross over!”
There was a time when she had a dinner with her new lovely Italian friends,
and a question popped up : “So, Liss, what is your sound? I want to know?”
After a while, she said,”a writer…”
Her friend replied,”No, it’s what you do. The question is what you are, Liss?”

>>”What you are, Ness?” That is a question that resounds loudly to me. I’m a student, a chemical engineer-soon-to-be, I’m a daughter, I’m a human being. Those answers still sounds so hollow in me.

and the next destination was India.
Why India?
She was looking for a Guru (Hindus teacher), to ask her a million questions about life and God. Unfortunately, the Guru was in New York. As she tried her new custom life in India as a volunteer, she met Richard, a sarcastic man from Texas.
Richard always teased her because she can’t focused on meditation and she can’t ‘found’ her Guru Gita (like a person whose image will be able to help you opened your mind).
Until there was a time when Liss was so angry,“I AM TRYING!”
“Then stop trying! SURRENDER,” Richard replied calmly.
He added,”… you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you’re gonna wear every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can’t learn to master your thinking, you’re in deep trouble forever.”

>> THAT is the problem! “Select your thoughts”, it’s not as easy to do as to read it. There’s so many things running in my mind, and I want so much to ditch it one by one. Maybe the problem is because “i am trying”

Liss was having a hard time to get over David and she felt bad because of her ex-husband wouldn’t forgive him.
Liss : “I think I’m over him, but I just know that I love him so much”
Richard : “then love him”
Liss : “It’s over but I missed him”
Richard : “then missed him. Give him all the love and pour him your feeling from here, then… drop it!”

>>What I got from Richard’s word is, resisting it will not make it any better. Feel it, feel the pain, go with the flow, and you will leave it eventually.

Liss : “I think he can’t forgive me”
Richard : “thinking about whether he’ll forgive you or not, is wasting time. Forgive yourself.”

>>Forgive myself. Forgive my failures. Forgive my reckless. Forgive my imperfect me.

The last thing that Richard said to Liss was, “Liss, believe in love again!“

>>Even though so many people have said it to me, but when I saw Richard said it to Liss, I could felt a little tear drop in my heart. I can’t even define ‘love’. Technically, theoretically, I can. Yet, to really define it in my own terms and start to believe in it again…

I’m still looking for a reason to believe in love. again.
Another things that were underlined here, are bitterness and forgiveness. Getting back into one’s state of mind and realized that God dwells in us, so there is no point of looking everywhere to find God.

Last but not least, Indonesia! Yay!
Why Bali?
Liss story was first began with Liss met a Balinese man who’s a clairvoyant, named Ketut. He told her that one day Liss will be back to Bali, to learn more with him.
In Bali, she practiced her meditation every morning and night.

After a few days, she accidentally bumped into a guy named Felipe, and finally fell in love with him. It wasn’t like an epic love story like a teenage love drama. Both, Felipe and Liss were broken-hearted, and unable to open their heart.
One day, Ketut ‘read’ Felipe’s palm, he said,”the only way to open your heart, is to trust.”
Liss and Felipe had a great time together, yet Liss was still insisted that she wasn’t there to find a man. She’s just so grateful to finally find herself again and to understand life. So, when Felipe asked her to step further for their relationship, Liss was so mad and left him.

Before Liss took off to the airport (as she thought it was the time for her to get back to her real life), she went to meet Ketut.
Ketut : “do you still smile with your mind? and smile with your heart?
Liss : “Yes”
Ketut : “and with your new boyfriend?”
Liss smiled with tears,”It’s over”
Ketut : “liss, sometimes to lose balance for love is a part of living a balanced life.”
At this point, Liss was finally came into her common-sense and looked for Felipe, and decided to cross over (to start facing a new start and to balance the life itself).

“If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey(either externally or internally),and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all -to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.”

>>The last thing she confronted in her last quest was FEAR. After such hard times and indescribable painful feeling, to open her heart again and to take the risk that she might lose the balance, was a crazy thing to do.

That is what I’m doing now. It took more than just months and grief to gather every pieces of me. I have built a strong wall to protect my ‘masterpiece’ and been hiding inside of my barricade.

However, I can’t understand this design. My broken-me decorated it with insecure, hatred, anger;and as the time goes by, I feel like a guest who live in it. I need to leave. I need to get out.

Despite all the success, plans, people who cares, bright future, there is an ultimate thing to look out for : contentment. I want to feel it again. I want to touch it again. I want to have it again.

I’m looking for a month or two, to get away from everything. Not just a city-girl’s vacation, I want to leave my lifestyle here for a while. I want to learn something new, like farming in a vineyard, horse-back riding, saving sea-turtles, teaching children, swimming in the sea, living with backpackers, etc.
Going to a place where I can leave my world for a while and living in a foreign world. I want to meet new people and know their lives, beliefs, thoughts.
I always fond of France. I want to learn French more and learn about French cultures, places, natures.

I want me to be contented, to feel whole again, to live a life to the fullest not just doing it like a robot.

I recommend this meaningful movie for those who look life more than just a to-do-tasks from God. This is not a chick-flick movie with romantic scenes, or an action movie with bang-bang scenes. Open your mind and see what lies beyond life, your life, you.

Readers, Attraversiamo 😉

Vness

p.s: please feel free to drop a comment, an advice, critics, or ideas. But please leave this off from God-talk for a while, or about a certain religion etc, save it for next time, be a broad-minded HUMAN. Thanks for your concern.

La vérité est … (1)

C’est ma première tentative d’écrire en français. Je sais bien sûr que mon français est terrible, mais je dois le faire. La rédaction de ce post en anglais est une chose risquée à faire, puisque n’importe qui peut lire ceci. Tu pourrais demander: “quel est donc le sens d’écrire dans un blog?”. Umm, j’ai besoin de laisser sortir ce que je ressens maintenant. Je ne peux pas tenir plus longtemps, mais je ne peux pas laisser certaines personnes qui m’ont mal comprise le lire.

J’ai regardé un film, ‘Lettres à Juliette “. Au début, je ne savais pas que le sens de l’amour dans ce film était en fait très profonde.

‘What’ and ‘if’ two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’

Tout d’un coup, je me suis remise en question, “ suis-je vraiment tombée amoureuse ?”
Sincèrement, je ne peux pas définir le terme ‘amour’ non plus. Pendant plus d’un an, j’ai choisi de ne pas croire en l’amour. Mais maintenant, je ne sais plus. Je voudrais pouvoir cesser de dire que “ce n’est qu’un sentiment temporaire”. Comme je ne cesse de le nier, je ressens une douleur qui me fait de plus en plus mal.

Je n’ai jamais imaginé que je pourrais avoir un sentiment profond pour une personne que je n’ai pas encore rencontrée. Cela n’a même jamais traversé mon esprit. Ce n’est pas raisonnable, je le sais bien. Je suis toujours une personne réaliste. Avoir un sentiment de quelque chose d’indescriptible et que je ne comprends pas, c’est vraiment me torturer.

Il y a deux hommes qui troublent mon esprit depuis des mois. Ils ont les mêmes prénoms (c’est une vraie coïncidence). Alors, laisse-moi appeler le premiere mec ‘Aristote’, et le deuxième mec ‘Ares’. Mais maintenant, je vais parler d’Aristote.

“Aristote”

L’an dernier, J’ai rencontré “Aristote” au hasard d’un chat. Je m’ennuyais vraiment et finalement, j’ai rejoint un site de chat (cela a été ma première fois et dernière fois), pour ne parler avec personne. Je n’avais aucune intention particulière me concernant. Soudain, un étranger est apparu sur mon écran et a dit “hi” et “how are you” (et non “Whats up” ou “asl pls”). Je ne savais pas si cet étranger était un homme ou une femme, et je n’ai pas vraiment fait attention. Après avoir répondu ‘Je vais bien et je m’ennuye, il a tapé, “happy halloween :]” (oui, avec le mr.smiley). J’ai répondu que je venais d’Indonésie et que Halloween n’était pas une fête ici. D’une certaine manière, nous avons bavardé un peu là, jusqu’à ce qu’il demande mon msn messenger.

Je lui ai dit que j’étais là juste pour une conversation amicale, et s’il n’avait pas le même but , il pouvait partir. Il a dit qu’il était aussi à la recherche de nouveaux amis pour parler. J’avais toujours peur de donner mes renseignements personnels, parce qu’il pouvait être un pervers ou un criminel, ou une personne dangereuse. Puis, je lui ai dit que je venais d’Indonésie. Pour autant que je sache, les gens ont tendance à refuser de parler avec les Indonésiens ou les Asiatiques. En lui disant que je suis Indonésienne, j’espérais qu’il stopperait notre conversation, et que je n’aurais pas besoin d’être impolie. Mais, il a dit qu’il était Américain et vraiment heureux de connaitre une Indonésienne (il a mis le mr.smiley). Puis, je lui ai demandé, s’il n’avait pas de probleme avec mon pays d’origine. Alors, il a dit qu’il s’intéressait à un pays qu’il ne connaissait pas encore.

Normalement, je fais difficilement confiance à une personne, mais à ce moment-là, j’ai décidé que je pouvais lui faire confiance. Il m’a donné sa photo, pour m’assurer qu’il n’était pas un sociopathe, et j’ai aussi donné la mienne. Pour faire court, après quelques mois de conversations d’arrière-plan, sur la famille, les gouts, les vision, etc, il m’a dit qu’il m’aimait vraiment bien, et j’ai simplement dit que je l’aimais bien trop ???. Pendant quelques semaines, je pensais que c’était juste une expression commune car il était heureux d’être ami avec moi. Je veux dire, pour moi, “like” est tout simplement un compliment quand une personne est heureuse de connaître une nouvelle personne. Quelques semaines plus tard, j’ai réalisé qu’il le prenait au sérieux. Je l’aime bien mais je ne suis pas amoureuse de lui.

À l’époque, je ne pensais pas que cela pourrait être un problème, puisque nous sommes séparés par des dixaines de milliers de kilomètres et il me semblait irrationnel. Alors, j’ai décidé de continuer sur et il a fallu facilement ???. Il est doux et aimable, et j’ai apprécié le temps passé avec lui. Il m’a traitée comme une princesse et tout était vraiment super. J’ai toujours pensé que c’était juste un amusement et ne nuirait pas à mon cœur. D’ailleurs, je n’étais pas prête pour une relation. Le fait qu’il vive si loin de moi, me faisait rire quand mes amis me taquinaient sur une possibilité que je pourrais avoir un sentiment pour lui. Je n’ai jamais pensé que je jouais avec mon coeur.

Je reconnais mon sentiment pour lui, mais avec toutes les inévitables circonstances, et nous avons réalisé que c’est tout simplement impossible pour toute démarche. Je veux dire, il m’aime bien, et je l’aime bien, mais ce n’est tout simplement pas assez. Depuis cet été, nous sommes tous deux très occupés avec nos propres tâches. Je travaille pour mon dernier semestre, il travaille sur sa thèse. Dernièrement, nous avons rarement parlé et partagé des choses, à cause du décalage horaire de 12 heures. Il m’a beaucoup manqué, nos beaux moments me manquent. Il est un gros travailleur, un personne de type A, très déterminée, ce qui me fait les adorer. Il est aussi une personne timide et introvertie de type. Parfois, il peut parler de ses sentiments, mais la plupart du temps il les garde pour lui.

Je comprends parfaitement sa vie trépidante, mais malgré tout je voudrais qu’il puisse garder une partie de son temps avec moi. Un message simple est vraiment doux. Il avait l’habitude de me laisser un message ou tout simplement d’être gentil quand il avait le temps de me parler. Je ne suis pas sûre mais je pense qu’il est différent maintenant.

Il m’a dit il y a environ 3 semaines qu’il se souciait encore de moi et tout, mais il a été tellement occupé maintenant. J’ai essayé de comprendre, et je le fais! Mais maintenant, je suis fatiguée de tout cela. Je suis fatiguée d’attendre quelqu’un et je ne suis pas sûre de ce pour quoi je me bats. Ce n’est pas comme s’il y avait un avenir clair pour moi et pour lui. Je sais que je n’ai pas le droit de demander ou d’exiger quoi que ce soit de lui, parce que je comprends très bien ma position.

Cela fait presque un mois que je n’ai pas entendu parler de lui. Je ne sais même pas ce qu’il fait maintenant. Je lui ai demandé une fois, ce que nous sommes, nous sommes juste des amis, et il a dit “non”, mais nous ne sommes pas non plus dans l’autre sens. Il a toujours dit qu’il voulait juste que je sois heureuse. Il fut un temps où il était très en colère parce qu’il estimait qu’il me traitait mal. Je ne sais pas ce qu’il veut.

Je n’ai jamais planifié tout cela. Je n’ai jamais prévu de tomber amoureuse de lui. Je n’avais jamais imaginé que lorsque je serais enfin capable d’aimer une personne, ce serait impossible. Je ne veux pas attendre plus. Je ne veux pas être une imbécile pour la deuxième fois. Je ne sais pas si je dois le laisser partir, car il n’a jamais été le mien.

Je veux trouver mon chemin, de retour dans l’amour. Un personne qui va rester autour de travers tous mes hauts et des bas. Un sentiment d’être aimé sincèrement. Une raison de croire en l’amour à nouveau.

“I don’t know what a love like that feels like…
a love to leave loved ones for,
a love to cross oceans for…
but I’d like to believe if I ever felt it.
I’d have the courage to seize it.
I hope I had the courage to seize it, And if I didn’t, I hope one day that I will.”

Vness

p.s:
Just tried to work on my French. Practice makes perfect 😀
Merci beaucoup, Nicolas, pour la correction!

Crush-Rush 911

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush,What a rush
‘Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
It’s just too much,
Just too much

Do you ever think
When you’re all alone
All that we could be?
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you?
Are you holding back
Like the way I do?
‘Cause I’m trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away

***

90% of friends who share and talk to me, are usually on ‘amour’ issue. Break-ups, relationship, commitment, crush, and so on. While break-ups are still the most favourite topic to discuss with me, a topic about ‘crush’ is always come up after that. So, now I’m going to talk about ‘crush’.

Noted : I’m not a love guru, trust me I’m also not good in it, but well yeah, lets figure it out together.

What is a ‘crush’? This could be explained as a feeling of excitement and rush of a certain person, and usually when you’re having a crush on someone, you feel like there’s a thousand of butterflies in your tummy, your heart beats fast, you can’t think of anything else but that person-day and night (okay it sounds quirky now), and the last common thing is you will say,”ohh, I think I’m in love!” Okay, now stop for a while. Love? Is it?

A feeling of crush might seem difficult to settled out at the beginning, but in a few weeks or months, it will even out and your emotion will be under control. However, IF a crush dealt with a mature manner/reason, eventually it can be an everlasting friendship or … a romance (relationship). You might ask,”so, it is all coming back to me?” YES. By reading this post, I assume you are mature enough to define yourself and your need.

It is understandable that during our path of life, we are likely to fall-in-love for several times. Each and every time we have a special feeling on someone, we call it ‘love’ and it will feel like a final deal. The question is, is it love-right-now or love-LOVE? Then, how can we tell the difference? Well, we can’t really.

Every relationship, no matter how painfully it may end, will be a waste of time. On the other hand, it will teach you a valuable lesson about yourself and help you to know what you are looking for (and not looking for) in a partner. In a way to find the ‘love of your life’, you will jump and fall, hurt and healed, and of course meet the wrong ones. It is part of the deal. The only thing that you can do is choose carefully who is worth your love.

If you agree to these 3 statements below, you can continue reading this post :
1. You are not sure if it’s a crush or love?
2. You want to upgrade ‘crush’ status into ‘love’?
3. You are helpless and for whatever reason decide to trust me 😛 (I’m kidding, just go on)

I will try to briefly explain by telling you the real case. I have 3 people who might dangerously infected with a ‘crush’ syndrome and have agreed to be examined. Lets call A, B, and me. Yes, me. 😛

A is an adorable girl who broke-up with her first love. A was painfully hurt, yet she has recovered successfully and moved on. For weeks, she has been telling me about a guy who she’s having a crush on. She adores him because of his beautiful smile, his gestures, the way he looks at her, his deep voice, his athletic body, his personality and so on. She could smiles all day and night just because of this person. She’s so excited just to see this guy for an hour and could be so sad if he doesn’t show up. Technically, I could tell that she’s madly having a feeling of crush. The thing is, she doesn’t know if he feels the same way as her. Next thing, in her case, she doesn’t know him well and not sure if they are even friends.

B is my great guy friend who just broke-up with his gf because of a matter of commitment. He’s not ready to take a further step because he still wants to pursue his dreams. In order to move on, he’s finally find himself, having a big crush on a girl that looked so perfect in his eyes. He can’t stop mentioning her name every time we chat, and telling me how amazing this girl is. The only problem is, he is not over his ex yet, and I guess that’s pretty much explain his motivation.

Me is the author of this post (lol :P) who vowed to herself not to fall in love easily after her last ridiculous relationship. Yet, she finds herself several crush (es) during her probation period, and this time, she can’t agree more that she can’t resist to have a big crush on a guy. She is so mesmerized by his looks, his strong motivation, and how he can makes her laugh. Every single details of this guy looks perfect on her and he can makes her feel secure to just being herself. The thing is, she doesn’t know if he feels the same way on her and she feels difficult to let him know. And, the main problem is, she is afraid to let someone in and to trust her heart to a guy.

From the 3 fairy-tales above, I would like to sum some points so you will not suffocated in a crush-lust:

> Observation
You don’t have to hire a private investigator to find out where his/her cat was buried. Just gather some accurate info, like if he/she is available (not taken). Plus, make sure if that person is EMOTIONALLY available.

> Communication
Obviously, you don’t want to find out later, that your crush is a sociopath/a serial killer. So, talk with him/her, discuss whatever things, be friends. That way, you know and able to understand the REAL person that you have a crush on. You need to discover his/her inner. Always put in your mind that what looks good in the outside, is not always that good in the inside.

> Bond
This is the only way to know if he/she has the same feeling as you or not. By building a bond, you put yourself in his/her circle that will let you know his/her point of view of a relationship, intention, future plans, and other sensitive things. I’m not telling you to use him/her, but when you have a feeling on someone, you will want to bond with that person. It is like building a trust.

> YOU
It is all coming back to you. What makes you like her/him? Is he/she exists in your mind and heart as your runaway? Are you amazed by his/her beauty only? Do you see his/her in your future? Or is it just for FUN? Is he/she worth fighting for? Are you ready for a thing called ‘love’ and a relationship?

In a nutshell, I’m not telling you that having a crush is an unforgivable sin and stupid. Beyond all those thrilling emotions, I want us to step back for a while, understand what we do, and consider every risks and results. You want to have fun? Well, I’m sure, you could find another thousand smart ideas to have fun, but not playing with your heart or someone else’s. Because when it comes to heart, you can’t predict the result and the side effect. We are all grown-ups, and life is too short to waste for something that could possibly means nothing.

If you really feel for that person, pretty sure with what you are doing, and ready to take all the consequences, go for it. Do not deny yourself and justify your opinion. Sometimes your mind doesn’t want you to be in love but deep down you know you are. The greatest mistakes we make are the risks we don’t take. If you think something will make you happy, go for it so that you won’t live your life asking, “What if?” and telling yourself, “If only.”

Last thing is, when you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try.”

And what about the author? Is she falling in love or … ?
She has been thinking a lot and now it is the time for her to let her heart decide. Life is like an hourglass, somehow it will hit the rock bottom, and be patient, for it will turn back around. Succeed or failed, that is a part of learning, isn’t it 😀

Vness